Classified Ad a Satire

*** Classified Ad — “Position Wanted” *** ((The following is from ad details written on the ad draft form submitted by the ad’s purchaser, who, while here was briefly helped by clerk ES Slinger, when client asked for aid to complete the ad. Client-assist recorded as protocol re: #R999)) “Position — Anything” Eager for a change Elderly girl A heavenly daughter Seeks A new, Earth-environment position For a minimum of minimum wage With medical & retirement planned Unknown vacations are not prerequisite Or hoped for The seeker will work Very long broken-up hours Without distraction from tasks Eager for advancement Applicant says she has a well=reported history Is good at chit-chat, “able to occupy your bored clients” That her sense of humor is “New York/New Jersey dry/snide Often self-depreciating” With a hearty laugh for even bad and “old” jokes She notes she finds joy in even the very common things “From like beautiful bright red sunrises Or breathing every day” So, while Her heart is busy being glad She won’t mind hours upon hours of Tedious scanning and organizing Your family and travel albums if desired…And perhaps She’ll “offer to make paintings in, of course, An abstract style copying pics of relatives or Members of the company’s Board of Directors” As her time permits Applicant says she “knows the alphabet well-enough” Is skilled with grammar and punctuation Helpful for correspondence and company reports Is “an excellent edittore” In testing, she expects she would show Her work on an adding machine is exceptionally slow Due to arthritis in nine fingers, but Thus she’s surely be more careful With all the numbers than others She admits she types on keyboard VERY slowly Due to near-blindness (although,she adds, to Keep in mind “Monet was half-blind when He painted his masterpiece, “Waterlilies” She says she “has shown some talent for writing poetry (But then, who doesn’t? Or who can’t? Or won’t? Roses, violets, and…all that) The classified’s clerk adds to official recorded notes: She says she has been known to have some good manners She seems clean She stayed fresh throughout her Classified stay She shows quality style in her choice of flip-flop’s Seems compassionate Believes in equality and is patriotic Plans to take off every religious and national holiday But says she’ll “stay at her desk throughout every lunch hour” She requests permission to wear headphones at work To listen “to soft, calming music and higher-education lectures” Hobbies are listed as: “Trying to Memorize the Declaration of Independance and every read word in the Bible.” Adds a “P.S.” that she’ll “gladly babysit bosses pets But not your children” Drop interview requests to The Paper Box XOX (~)#1, Thereby. KY 40001 ********* HO HO YO! Y’all! This poem is about an entirely fictional woman seeking a job she could never be suited to fit. There are many double meanings, like, “elderly girl,” and “she stayed fresh.” The set up at the classifieds offers “A Straightman” set-up to accentuate the extreme bungling stereotype of the woman. I once worked for a daily newspaper. This also plays with the humor that I exaggerate here about Classified ADs. This is meant to née my Christmas gift of SMILE FOR ALL OF YOU. Big hugs, sally ——————————————————————————————————————————————— (c)sally young eslinger Merry Christmas!