Cheese Sammiches

The only thing weirder than my mom, is the way she says her “r’s.” Growing up, every time she’d ask if I wanted a grilled cheese, I thought she said “girl cheese.” Wanting to retain some sense of developing masculinity, I demanded a “boy cheese” instead. As I got older, I realized how stupid I was and how much my mom sucked at saying certain words. Hamburger was another one. Her pronunciation of it in dirty suburban drive-thrus was just as atrocious as my approach to eating said hamburger: by disassembling it. And now, having grown wiser and more worldly, all of my grilled cheeses are gender-fluid. By that, I mean I put my gender fluids on them. Sperm spreads better than shotgun ammunition! Best part is throwing it in the pan. Ever see that one video online where those dudes beat off into a frying pan and make someone eat their “cum omelet?” Yeah, it’s sorta like that. **** gets all fluffy. Helps if you drink some 2% milk beforehand. The fluffy **** turns into a in’ breakfast sandwich! Calcium and protein abound! Eat that , and an apple, every day, and you’ll be able to take over the goddamn planet!