Broken

I could have stood stabilized ignoring what I long realized, but I changed my life, thinking it wise to face my fears with honest eyes. Being alone scared me so, the thought brought me woe. Fear determined much in my life; thus I wrongly chose to be wife. I needed comfort from another’s arms to keep away all of solitude’s harms. Wrong marriages, wrong men, nothing as it should have been. Mistakes made once, repeated again all so loneliness would not win. Needing to know what I’m made of, I confronted solitude using self-love. Packing hope, I moved to the east coast. Once alone, I sought what I needed most - fulfillment from my own company. The attempt failed, success eluded me. Now lonely years have grown an entity completely sown from all I lost in me. Learning truth can be cruel, smiles disappear, pain does rule. The more I lost of myself the more shadows grew of something else. I seemed to fade away as loneliness sent me astray. I honestly tried and truly lost leaving heart and head to access the cost. No friends call my name. No lover eases my pain. Loneliness sits by my side, invisible to other’s eyes. Constant in attendance and gray pain feeds from all in me that went away. I know sadness, I carry its weight, my very self is lost in its wake. I confronted my fear to be awoken, a quest that left me sad and broken. ... CayCay Jennings August 30, 2015