Betrayed

I feel it everyday although some days not as much as others. At strange times I time I have to catch my breath and hold it, It just gets to be too much. There are moments right before I relax, that I remember and my stomach drops The pain is dulled but it is still there A song, a thought, a word can bring it all back I sit on the edge of my seat every time the phone rings, Expecting to hear her voice, this should not be my reality. Asking myself, when did you become this way? How can you possibly say that you love me? Not quite knowing the answer. All the while swallowing over and over the bitterness in my throat that threatens to choke me. Concentrating on inhaling and exhaling to steady my heartbeat. Looking at you out of the corner of my eye. Loving you so much, that I am sure it has turned to hate. And for the millionth time I ask myself why? It cuts so deep even though I believe wholeheartedly in forgiveness. You just won’t let me forgive or forget. The bullshit is constant. What about the lie you told yesterday? What about last week? What about last month? Every time I try to believe in you, in us, that feeling creeps up on me again. I look in your eyes and I instantly know. I would ask you what she has that I don’t But I know the answer. She’s the calm, whereas I’m the storm. You owe her nothing. You owe me everything, but in the end I too get nothing. Nothing but this feeling that won’t stay away. It would have been different if I hadn’t been her to you at one time. I you hadn’t made me believe this could be. If I hadn’t trusted and let my guards down. If I hadn’t actually fallen in love with you. Then this never could have happened; I never could have been betrayed.