Bad At Being Bad

In Birmingham I tried a scam, involving some velvet and ham. It appears I am damned. Wound up in the slam. I tried a hustle one night in Brussels. But all I could rustle, was just enough muscle, to muster a bustle. I tried an old con in Lebanon. But pistols were drawn. Had to play the moron. Said I'd just been a pawn. Attempted to fool some lads in Liverpool. Though their first reaction was cool, they set upon me with tools, nearly smashed my crown jewels! I went to Kuwait to impersonate, a wealthy magnate, a friend of Bill Gates. But at the customs gate, a guard got irate, said, "Decide on which hand, I'll now amputate.". Had a great plan, to sell guns to Iran. Then a CIA man, with a barbeque tan, said I'm not a big fan, of your really great plan. Demanded I name, my middleman, or take a one-way trip in his long black sedan. Tried to rob a store in Singapore. Asked the clerk for more. Made him mighty sore. I couldn't move before, he had me on the floor, picked me up and tossed me out the door. Went to Burbank to rob a bank. I never thought to thank, that a bank in Burbank, would have the means to flank, me with an M1 tank. Kidnapped an heiress in the heart of Paris. She never would desist, with efforts to resist. She had bats for fists that hit like Roger Marris. Soon I found myself in the house of correction. Lots of time for reflection. As a crook I was hardly perfection. But for a crook there was another direction. I'd run in the next election!