Absurd

Sometimes I pray for my death as much I want to live, but it will not come ... I long for my childhood but it is gone ... Whatever tomorrow holds I have not been offered and my present is not what I dreamt of when I was a kid but my past haunts me... I am trapped in this in the happiness I felt , the pain I will forever feel , regrets, lies , love and every thing ... I long so much to end this misery and torment but it is meant for me ... Designed and forged just for me but not for my liking or amusement but for whoever runs this show called life ... Words of comfort ,comfort me not... My heart is burdened and saddened crowded by desires of a mini me, dreams that will never be... Am I to rot or not ?has the creator forsaken me or not ?... For heaven is rather too far , and hell so near , I can smell it and I can feel the flames calling me to consume my dreaded soul ... I am alive just to wait for my death ? Is this it?... Forced to believe lies written by other men, to deceive my tinted soul ?.. If life has anything, what is it ?... Then after it is ,then what is ?... Maybe I am just too blinded by my black pride , maybe heaven is the goal and I just keep missing it ... Absurd