Abolish Table Manners!!

Who cares about table manners? Why do you have to have any? I think being mannerless makes you a better person than many. Why can’t you hold your fork in the other hand? And bang your spoon on the glass? I just don’t understand. What’s all the scandal about using your knife to eat peas? The peas taste the same – why can’t you do as you please? Why do you have to spread a clean napkin out? To get it all dirty and have it cleaned again, no doubt. It’s just the sort of rule a stuffy grown-up makes up, To give us all a bad time, instead of pleasure, while we sup. Why can’t you slurp your soup and splash it all around? I think slurping and splashing make rather a nice sound. They block all the snobbish conversation out, And give you something to be delighted about. Why do you have to eat with your mouth shut tight? And chew every bit of food thirty times day and night? It just gives you jaw ache, nothing happens to the food! Once I chewed just fifteen times, and boy, did it feel good! Why can’t you talk when you’re eating, tell me, We’ve been blessed with a voice box, haven’t we? Why does burping or belching nearly give everyone a fit? It just shows you’re enjoying your food, doesn’t it? When you get up, why do you have to say, “Excuse me”? You don’t need to make excuses for washing your hands, you see. You’re supposed to enjoy what you eat, Not act like you’ve got cold clammy feet. How can you really feel the taste, If you’ve got to sit still like your pants are full of paste? Table manners were surely invented by someone Who wanted us kids to stop having fun. It’s probably a kind of training to turn us boring too, A crash course in becoming an adult, something our parents went through! To turn us dull and uninteresting, decidedly stuffy, Imposing and conceited, haughty and huffy. So come on, start rebelling! What are you waiting for? Gulp your water, start food fights, have an ice cream war! Forget about rules; bend every law that can be bent, Life’s too short, so start an eternal trend! But even then you’ll probably be well and truly grounded, And your lifelong punishment will definitely be sounded. It’s a way of the world, so you can’t make a fuss, But eventually table manners will get the better of us. So have a grand time till you’re grown up for good, And then remember not to throw about your food. Some people like being clean, even if they are few, But don’t let table manners triumph over you!