A Heroes Journal

returning home was quite different than i'd imagined i mean i expected the waving flags the gentle smiles warm handshakes familiar family friends totally unaware just how much of a stranger i was to myself we shared good foods good cheer wines for good health an yet i was begining to fade into a hidden bunker within myself sadness emerged i soon drifted apologizing for laughing at sensitive matters or crying at the most hilarious jokes secretly i thought of medic red cross these notions were exchanged with long lines insensitive health care laws i found myself face to face in a mirror of pure dread my skull oddly shaped speech was now slurred double vision and vertigo odd feelings of standing on a high ledge even if i was safely planted on a sidewalk curve my feet stumbled i felt inadequate why i'd forgotten how to tie my own shoes this stranger looking back at me returned home as i emerged a silent press conferences with myself beckoning my attention to focus on traumatic events to feed this unneeded energy i wasn't willing to explore i'd heard the whispering sudden gestures calm distractions saying honey you are home now an yet i was this stranger with unexpressed emotions i suppose a gallery of feelings a canvas to be displayed in this place called home full of calmness warm breezes pink lemonade an yet planes flew over my head mental emotional bombs went off as i searched through the rubble of my mind for comfort familiar ground solidarity i soon became numb within a diary expressing joy painful sorrowful memories i gently craved a place this place they called home a place i couldn't foresee or wrap my consciousness around it i'd dreamed of it i watched the faces experience this place the proud eyes admiring my dog tags my boots my passport uttering the words you are a hero our hero is home an yet i never met their hero not once not during sadness not during bouts of fear not during uneasy moments when faced with someone who loves me so much an yet they never met me the stranger they didn't know i'd left their hero behind cowardly i couldn't face this heroes journey i'd tucked it away behind depression anxiety and fear unwilling to relive or remember without panting hearing unwanted heart beats unwanted conversations fight or flight momentum while silent voices repeated come back home honey come home totally unaware that i was this stranger in a heroes house