A Bedtime Story

Once, a long ways away, and a long time ago Lived a wee little man with his silly pet crow; And once every day, as the sun went to bed The wee little man and the crow he called Ted Would go through the woods on a nice little walk; And while they walked through the woods, his pet crow would talk. Now, if saying, “Pet crow Ted could talk” twists your tongue, Just wait till I’m through, and the story is done, Because Ted tied the twigs of two tall apple trees To the tips of his toes, and his knobby old knees, And these twigs made him bounce as he walked ‘round and ‘round, And he talked really loud while he walked on the ground, Saying, “Twiddle my fiddles, and tie me a pie, ‘Cause a silly old crow couldn’t fly high as I.” Then the wee little man said, “You silly old bird, Just the way that you talk takes the sense from a word; For if fiddles could twiddle, and pies had a string, Then ants would walk backwards, and old crows would sing.” Replied Ted the crow to the wee wizened man, “Perhaps ants can’t do it, but old crows sure can.” Then he puffed out his chest, and he cawed cockaroo, And he sang an old song titled, “How Do You Do?” “How do you do, little maid, Liddy Lee When the crows come by twos, and they perch on the tree? What do you see, little maid, Liddy Lee When the crows throw the cockleshells out on the sea? Where do you go, little maid, Liddy Lee When the snow drives the crows from the mulberry tree? And what do you hear, little maid, Liddy Lee When the crows throw the snow on the cockleshell sea?” But the old man just laughed and said, “Such silly songs Never croaked such a crow as he hopped right along, Because ants can’t walk backwards, and crows cannot sing, Just like horses can’t fly, nor do turtles have wings.” Now the crow wasn’t happy with what had been said So he said, “I will sing you another instead,” Then he puffed out his chest, and he cawed cockaree, And he sang him a song called, “When Two Turned to Three.” “When two turned to three, and when five turned to four Things got much stranger than ever before. There were two little pigs, and but two blinded mice, And the two musketeers played with three little dice. There were five and twenty blackbirds flying in the sky; And four the little famous boy who never told a lie. When six turned to seven, and eight turned to ten, Snow White had six little dwarves with her then. All the town clocks struck first ten, nine, then eight; And people were always too early or late, So they turned it all back to six, seven, eight, nine, That way we could always keep track of the time. Now the three pigs are three, and there’s three blinded mice, And the three musketeers play with two little dice, And the wee little dwarves number seven in all, And the clock strikes from one up to twelve down the hall.” But the old man just laughed and said, “Such silly songs Never croaked such a crow as he hopped right along, Because ants can’t walk backwards, and crows cannot sing, Just like snakes don’t have legs, nor do bunnies have wings. And with that, the old man put his pet crow to bed; And till early next morning not a sentence was said.