8 Years -Part 1 of 2

Its been 8 years now and not a day goes by, That you dont cross my mind... In flashbacks or in a way,,... a mind that auto-rewinds. Though there are little memories that remain, Far and few between... my memory just fades. I wish i could control it... control what i forget, i mean.. It all just goes so quickly its like it was all just a dream. Such difficulty telling the difference between dream and memory.... I still dont fully know.. I can never be too sure which is which... my mind just goes... i have nothing to hang on with.. what can I do? My mind is gone, it leaves every day... Lately seems to be leaving me faster.... until there is barely one left to use anyway. the memory of you fades, your voice, your life, your face... sometimes I wonder if I would recognize you if I were to see you again,... But I doubt I would considering I believe that we create our own heaven and hell... Our own paradise, happiness, dream.. or our hell, agony, guilt and pain... Your hell will be much different then mine, try not to fret,.. maybe my hell is to be eternally alone, surrounded by death... though i try o live my life with no regrets. maybe my hell will be nothingness, ... what will yours be? knowing what i know, You probably created a heaven where everyone loved you, got along, and always agreed with what you said, Basically worshiped the ground you walk on,.. seems that's all you wanted.. to be liked, wanted, and loved. Would you even care about me? had you? or did you want money? or was it a lie? You told me yourself you had kidnapped me, why? Hard to tell what was truth with you and what was bullshit... what was lie and why... Why is all i can remember about you pain, and loathe, more than joy and love? You never wanted me happy, yet my misery created your own happiness,... you never listened... didnt even pretend to. Were you ever happy with me? or proud? i dont care about others' opinions of a God and "better place" they dont know **** about who you were... what did I do so bad as a child to make you strangle me? I have given up on suicide, and have been dealing with life... its been about 5 years since I've tried...