The Blues

 What did I think, a storm clutching a clarinet
and boarding a downtown bus, headed for lessons?
I had pieces to learn by heart, but at twelve

you think the heart and memory are different.

"'It's a poor sort of memory that only works
backwards,' the Queen remarked.
" Alice in Wonderland.


Although I knew the way music can fill a room,
even with loneliness, which is of course a kind
of company.
 I could swelter through an August

afternoon -- torpor rising from the river -- and listen
to Stan Getz and J.
 J.
 Johnson braid variations
on "My Funny Valentine" and feel there in the room

with me the force and weight of what I couldn't
say.
 What's an emotion anyhow?
Lassitude and sweat lay all about me

like a stubble field, it was so hot and listless,
but I was quick and furtive as a fox
who has his thirty-miles-a-day metabolism

to burn off as ordinary business.

I had about me, after all, the bare eloquence
of the becalmed, the plain speech of the leafless

tree.
 I had the cunning of my body and a few
bars -- they were enough -- of music.
 Looking back,
it almost seems as though I could remember --

but this can't be; how could I bear it? --
the future toward which I'd clatter
with that boy tied like a bell around my throat,

a brave man and a coward both,
to break and break my metronomic heart
and just enough to learn to love the blues.

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