The search... Continues?

Present-day 2012 Friday 6:05 pm ~
It was his idea. He wanted them to shed all inhibitions and be completely honest... about everything.
He said it would help them understand where they come from. Doesn’t past play an important role in shaping the present us? He had reasoned with her, coaxed and appealed to her naturally blunt stance he had come to love. Or, had he?
It sounded good. She had disregarded the voice that told her it only sounded good.
She let it all out. Everything. Everything she had never thought she would tell anyone – definitely not her partner. And, while recounting, she could not help but feel as if a huge weight had been lifted off her chest.
If that was what he wanted, she wondered why he was sulking now. Of course, to say he was sulking was putting it mildly. He had all but thrown a fit as she talked about her past. No. She shook her head. It was not her past that bothered him; it was the number of men who had garnered her affections. She still nurtured a soft spot for a couple of them.
Standing on the balcony, she saw the rain lashing, saw the turbulence it caused over the usually calm waters of the river. The corners of her mouth lifted in what one could call a smile; She was thinking of how closely it mirrored the state of her relationship with Taran. She needed to sort out her thoughts and get some kind of closure. Resolute, she drew the ends of her housecoat close as a sudden gust of wind hit her face and made her shudder. Walking into the warmer comforts of her room, she shut the door to balcony. Walking to the kitchen, she set the coffee pot as her thoughts travelled down memory lane... to where it all started.

Year 1998 ~
She was almost 16 and everyone around her seemed to think it was an important milestone. Nothing had seemed different to her until she noticed them - Aadi and Arth. There were times when she wondered how she had managed to feel attracted to one alongside the other. They had been as different as chalk and cheese. Aadi had been something of a textbook geek. Arth, in stark contrast, had been the one who strongly believed academics were a form of torture that should be banned. They seemed to evoke different, but equally strong, reactions from her, too. With Aadi she had had to always try to bite down a scathing comeback. Around Arth she had had to try just as hard to form coherent words. Either way, both of them caused her heart to skip a beat.

Friday 7:23 pm ~
The shrill whistle of the kettle brought her back to the present. The shrill whistle of the kettle brought her back to the present. Oh yes... that was it. Aadi and Arth had been the first males she noticed and, even at 16, she knew there would be many more. Many more before she found her one. Was Taran her Mr Right? She smiled as she poured coffee into her mug. She reached out for the bottle of sugar, more out of habit than need. Not finding it in its usual spot, she remembered she had given up sugar. Sighing she walked back to her rooms, slid onto her bed after opening the blinds and sat looking out the window. Grey skies, rain lashing against the window, lonely evening – Taran had told her he needed some space, some space to gather his thoughts so her revelations could sink in. The perfect setting for reminiscing. She sipped her coffee slowly as she allowed her thoughts to wander... unfettered.

Year 2002 ~
Eashan. She couldn’t clearly remember how they were introduced. It was 10 years ago. A lot had happened in her personal and professional life since then and things were a little hazy. He had been her senior in graduate college. He had an infectious smile, the kind that started at the lips to reach the eyes. Over time she had realised that it would not do much to pine for him as she had when she had had her first ever crush(es) on Aadi and Arth. Things were different now. She was older and hopefully, well equipped to deal with emotions like an adult. She clearly remembered the evening she had walked up to him to admit to tell Eashan how she felt. Every moment that had led up to that she had been afraid the admission could infuse awkwardness and it would be only so long before their friendship docked at doomsville. She still remembered, fondly, his gentle reaction to her confession - in the calm tone that was his signature he had said, “I appreciate what you feel, Ira. What did you or, do you expect from me?” Mildly surprised, she had assured him she only wished that her confession not affect the friendship in anyway. He had smiled and promised it never would. She remembered walking back to her room feeling liberated.

Friday 8:31 pm ~
She was jolted back to the present when her phone rang indicating there was a message. Even before she checked it, she knew it was Taran. “Just need some more time to sort out my thoughts. I will call you after I come back from the office tour. I miss you, baby Xx”.
Her coffee had gone cold. She looked out the window. The lights had come on and it dawned on her she was sitting in absolute darkness. Getting off the bed, she padded across the passage to the kitchen.
She was hungry. Switching on the light, she contemplated cooking but decided she couldn’t be
bothered with it and, also having to do the dishes. Leaning back against the kitchen counter, she chewed on her bottom lip twirling a stray lock of hair, her eyes lit up as she thought of pizza. Almost drooling she dialled Dominoes and asked for her usual.
Now that dinner was out of the way... rather, on the way, she wanted to get back to her thoughts.

Stepping into her room, she caught sight of herself in the mirror and looked wide-eyed at her
reflection. Her hair was tousled, her faced looked dull and she was wearing the same boxers she had on, yesterday. Clucking her tongue, she silently admonished her reflection and went on to draw the blinds. She stripped off her tank and wiggled out of her boxers, standing straight, assessing herself in the mirror. She pouted, holding up her breasts and remarked to herself, “Not bad...“. Picking up the hair brush, she ran it through her hair and put her hair up in a high tail. Smiling wide, she blew a kiss at her reflection and slipped on a fresh set of tank and boxers. Walking to the lounge, she flopped on the couch, switching on the tv, she absently surfed through channels. Every channel seemed to have the same theme – Valentine’s Day and considering it was two days away, she shouldn’t have expected any different. Sighing she thought of the Valentine’s night when she had been sitting on the steps to her students’ accommodation.

Year 2003 ~
She had been all alone that evening. How she had wished Ish would be spending Valentine’s Day with her. All she had for company was a Chinese take-out, a bar of Cadbury’s she bought for herself and her diary. Nibbling on the bar, she had started to pen some of her thoughts. She had met him online in one of the chat rooms and had grown fond of him. He was 25. To be honest, that had been the only thing that had entranced her. She would learn, over the years, just how picky she would turn out to be. Anyway, her affection for Ish had been nipped in the bud when she learnt of his girlfriend. Accidentally, of course, through his cousin who had happened to answer one of her calls to Ish.

Friday 10:21 pm ~
The doorbell broke her reverie. Pulling on her housecoat, she grabbed her purse to pay for the pizza. She was ravenous and dug enthusiastically into the pizza letting her thoughts travel down the memory lane yet again. She winced inwardly as she remembered Evyavan.

Year 2004 ~
Evyavan - a married man with two children. He had sounded like a mistake even the first time she had entered into an online chat with him. Strangely despite her inner voice clawing at her, she had persisted, almost doggedly and let herself get involved in that self-destructive emotionally sapping dalliance. After she ended it, she had been thankful that she hadn’t let go of that last shred of self-respect by not letting it get physical.

Friday 11 pm ~
Her phone beeped and she reached for it in a hurry like her a man reaching for water in a desert. She opened the message hoping it was Taran and was utterly disappointed to read a message from Aadrika “Hey Ira. Girls’ night out next weekend. You, me and Satty. What say? Been a long time since we did that. Call me. Xx” Aadrika and Satviki – two of her favourite people who knew everything there was to know about her and loved her unconditionally.

Yet, the message didn’t make her smile. Suddenly, she craved Taran....being in his arms, being cradled, being told he loved her and that she was the only woman for him. She would settle for the next best thing – she dialled his number hoping to hear his voice to calm the almost painful stirrings that rose in her belly. She bit her lip, dejected when the automated voice told her the number was out of coverage area. Sighing she placed her phone aside, knowing she was overreacting and walked to the kitchen to pour herself some wine. Pulling out the half eaten pastry from the fridge, she walked to the balcony with wine. Feeling the sting of the cold air against her face she sat back, sipping wine and found her thoughts going back to the time she’d met Hari.

Year 2005 ~
Tall, fair with an easy smile, almost cocky and brilliant – that described Hari adequately. He had been her senior, a postgraduate student, when she was in her final year at graduate college. She had loved the way his eyes lit up with mischief and the way his lips curled up in a lopsided grin. Conversations with him had been flirtatious but never crude or intense. Even when she had spoken of her affection for him, before him, he had simply smiled and nodded as if accepting her keenness. Inevitably she had been engulfed by a sense of déjà vu and reminded her of the time she had had a similar conversation with Eashan.

Next-day Saturday 12:23 am ~
Drops of rain reached her face and dragged her back to the present. She’d been out on the balcony too long. Picking up her wine glass, and still unfinished pastry she walked into the house. In no mood to clear the kitchen counter, she switched off the lights and made her way to the bedroom after she checked on the door lock. Crawling into her bed, she propped two pillows and sat back, straightening her legs. Opening her diary she opened the pages, reached a poem she’d written, her eyes subconsciously zeroing in on the words that spoke of the anguish she had been experiencing when she wrote it –
“... Sleep evades my eyes and I wonder
Is he going through the same yonder...?
The conflict rises and I cannot fathom why
I wait, in hope that he will reach out to calm troubled feathers o’mine...
....... He sounds far away and I wish I could know
What is it that I got to follow...?
To have him as mine, to keep forever
So I have to yearn for him, never!”
She sighed as memories of the time she spent with Shrish rushed forth and she felt a dull ache rise in her bosom.

Year 2006 ~
Shrish -the first man with whom she had used the word ‘love’. Tall, bald and a voice that made her quiver, she had been blown away by the instant connection she felt with him. It was electric. Telling him of her love was easier than it had been with others because he had reciprocated just like she expected him to. She had been foolish... naive... to think Shrish was the One – the man she wanted to marry and spend the rest of her life with. He had seemed perfect, at that point in time – taller, stronger and just enough older than her. The problem with love was that she had seen only what she had wanted to. What is it they say about love being blind and all that? She had soon found it was true when he told her he had no plans of marrying her. That admission had shattered her. Almost poetic in her grief, she had pretty dramatically told herself she wouldn’t ever marry. She would, of course, soon realise the difference between being in love with a man and being in love with the idea of being in love.

Saturday 1:57 am ~
The wind howled against the window, bringing her back to now. She slammed her diary shut because it was making her feel disgustingly melancholic. She checked her phone for messages from Taran. It’s just the dreary weather, she told herself and smiled as she remembered Taran’s last message said he missed her. Resting her head against the wall, she closed her eyes and her mind pushed to surface memories of Eha. Shaking her head she almost laughed “A mistake... a sad mistake he was...”

Year 2007 ~
She had loved how she had had to tiptoe to slide her arms around his neck, loved how she fit so
perfectly against him and in his arms. She had loved how he ran his fingers through her hair, how he pulled her close almost possessively when he kissed her. She recalled their first tight hug – pressed up against his body she had felt stirrings of arousal, a delicious tingle down her spine and warmth spreading over her body. Now that she looked back, that was mostly what had drawn her to him - pure, unadulterated physical chemistry. Therefore it was no surprise when they drifted apart despite the ‘I love you’s’. There had been no love to bind them - only carnal needs had spurred them on. In etrospect, she was grateful that Eha had ended it, but at that point she was devastated. And, had chosen work as her rebound affair.

Saturday 2:50 am ~
She opened her eyes as it struck her that she had to report back to work on Monday. She groaned firmly believing the one week had whizzed past her before she knew it. Her phone buzzed. She checked the message and her face lit up as she read Taran’s message, “I’m sorry I overreacted, baby. I love you and nothing can change that. I’ll be by your side tomorrow Xx” Her heart raced as she reread the message “And, I love you too, Taran!”
Feeling deeply content, she picked up her iPod, and opened her diary to write –
“Climbing into bed lying between my sheets
Languorous I stretch and sigh as I think of you
Feeling the warmth rise in my cheeks I pull up my feet
Curling up I close my eyes tight hoping to get rid of the vision that is you... “
Chewing on the end of her pen, she lay flat on her back, and bit her lip as she felt Rishikesh making his way into her thoughts.

Year 2008 ~
Rishikesh had been complex. He had so many facets. She had loved how easily he went back and forth between a brat and a responsible, mature adult. Over time, especially after Eha, she had come to realise that her affections for a man were coloured ever so mildly by lust. Being around Rishikesh, she had grown aware of her sexuality in a way that had made her feel beautifully feminine and desirable. While his ex had been a bone of contention for almost as long as she had known Rishikesh, this was not as significant as his reluctance to commit. After spending a year wallowing in ambiguity, she had decided to confront him. He had taken up his usual evasive stance in answer to her simple question ‘Where do I stand in your life’. She had merely smiled and said to him, “If that is how you feel, Rishi, then I want to leave. I love you but, I am not willing to wait forever.” Of course, she was glad they were still very good friends.

Saturday 3:51 am ~
She smiled wistfully as she thought of each of the men, realising none of them had or would ever mean as much to her as Taran. She loved him - the way she had hoped to love a man some day. Stifling a yawn, she checked the time. She looked at the watch wide-eyed - Had she just spent 10 hours thinking of her liaisons with men? A decade of yearning for love and, nine men later, her tenth, Taran completed her. Resting her head on the pillow, drawing her quilt close around her she closed her eyes, feeling peaceful.

She was rudely woken up by the loud buzz of her phone. Assuming it was Taran, she let loose a volley of expletives even before she mouthed ‘Hello’ and was greeted by a chirpy male voice she couldn’t place “Ouch!How’s the wildly sexy and wanton Ira I met last week? Its Rudra. I’m in town.
How about an encore of the night we spent together? I can’t seem to get you out of my head... “ She hardly heard the rest of what was said. Her heart was pounding. “Rudra...” she repeated to herself. She closed her eyes tight as if to erase the memories of last week... the night with Rudra.

Had her search really ended with Taran?

*~†~*

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