The Incredible Bleeding Heart

THE INCREDIBLE BLEEDING HEART
(Starring Bobby Bloodsucker- the Murray Hill Vampyre)
by Vee Bdosa the Doylestown Poet
I was mindin my own business leanin on the bar
sippin a beer when this nice brunette comes up & asks if
I'd buy her a beer. I said "Ok if you don't start cryin about
how your daddy's been neglectin you!"
"Ok," she agreed & I told the bartender to bring her
a draw. I should have suspected she was a liberal when she asked
for a Bubweiser longneck instead of a draw, but it only cost a dime
more so I let it go at that.
"I never saw you in here before," I said. "What's a lady
like you doin' unexcorted in a place like this, anyway?"
"I don't often go around askin guys to buy me a beer," she
replied. I didn't think she'd answer my question.
"I'm sure you don't," I said. She had the longest hair
I ever saw; it almost touched the floor, & she wore a blue
denim skirt that was about two sizes too small for her & a green
halter that, if it had been much smaller, would have been a belt.
She weighed 90 pounds if you didn't include her most outstanding
assets in the weight--maybe 150 pounds if you did.
Bobby "Bloodsucker" Bluckster, my literary agent, was sitting
across the room with his back to the wall. I could scarcely make him
out in the dimly lit room, but he was leaning his elbows on the table
and drinking a red just like always. It was times like this that he
really did look like a vampyre, & he had a silly grin on his face
like he was two sheets in the wind drunk & getting drunker by the
minute. Every now & then he'd let out a silly yelp & look down
under the table. No tellin what that was all about, you never know about
Bloodsucker.
"Do you know what they do," my new girlfriend said, "they kill
those poor, defensless whales all for just the oil!"
"What whales you talkin about, honey?" I asked.
"Them whales out in the ocean, they just murder them."
"Oh," I replied. "Them whales. Say what's your name honey?"
"My name is Marsha. I love them poor whales."
"I hate whales," I said.
"Why would anyone hate a whale?" she asked.
"I remember one whale ate Jonah," I grinned.
"Well maybe he had it comin! Do you know how much oil they
get from just one of them whales?" she said.
I looked around the bar for some help, but there was no relief
in sight. Bobby looked up at me as if his radar had detected a kamikaze
zeroed in on him, & headed straight for the bathroom, buttoning his
pants & grinning; he owed me ten dollars & had been making excuses
about it for six months now. Maybe I could drop this girl off onto him
if he came out of the john before I shoved an ash tray in her mouth.
"Them whales didn't hurt nobody!" she cried. "Nobody cares if
they're being slaughtered! Do you know I tried to walk down the street
with a sign reading "Save the Whales" & a cop threatened to lock me up"
"Did you have any clothes on?" I asked.
"What's that got to do with anything?" she demanded.
Just then Sal D'Amato came in through the door. He owed me a
favor from the time I carried him across the bridge to Jersey to see his
girl friend. It was just after I bought my Edsel, brand new with my first
advance Bobby had got for my movie script. He had told me that he was
hornier than hell & just had to see her, & I waited outside of her
flat shining my Edsel. It only took him a couple minutes & I told him
if he got it off that quick he needed to find a new girlfriend.
Sal spotted me right away. "Hey Charley" he said, waving to me as he
made it across the room to the bar.
"Hey Salvatore, how goes it? I was just thinkin about you!" I said.

"I didn't do it! Hey Marsha, what are you doing over here--do you
still wet the bed?" he said, leaning on her shoulder & looking straight
down into her assets.
"You asshole!" she shrieked.
"You know Marsha?" I laughed.

"Sure I know Marsha," Sal replied. "Don't you remember, you carried
me over to her place the day you got that new Edsel."
"Oh my god!" I grinned. "Was that your place, Marsha?"
"We didn't do nothin!" she said.
"Say Sally ole buddy, I need this here favor," I said.
"Anything I can do for a pal, you know that."
"Just keep Marsha company for a couple hours while I -- "
"Oh no," Sal said. "Not on your life, I meant I'd do anything
reasonable. I just ain't in the mood to listen to all that shit today,
no offense intended, now Marsha, but I got me one hellashious headache
and that's a fact."
"Come on Sal," I pleaded. "Just take her over to one of them
booths for a hour or so while I drink a couple beers alone."
"I don't wanta go nowhere with him!" Marsha said. "He never was
very nice to me."
"Listen," Sal said. "I gotta go. I got me a-apointment. Maybe
I'll see you later."
"Later," I said.
"I need me another beer," Marsha said after gulping the rest of
her beer down.
I orderered us more beer as Sal took his sorry ass out the front
door. He never could be depended on to help a guy out. But he always had
money & I never had to buy him a lot of beer like some of the friends
I hung around with.
Just then Bobby Bluckster came out of the bathroom buttoning his
pants. He looked like he was already half crocked & I figured maybe he
might like to go out with Marsha.
"Hey, Bloodsucker!" I shouted to him.
"What the hell do you want Charley?" he said as he walked over to us.
"Hi Marsha, how's your baby seals these days?
"Let me guess," I said. "They kill baby seals, too? You asshole,
you already know Marsha! How'd you like to go out with her?"
"I ain't goin out with that vampyre!" Marsha screamed.
"Listen, Bobby, you still owe me that ten dollars, how bout if
we just call it even? You owe me a whole bunch of favors you know!"
"I got that ten right here," Bobby said, digging into his
pockets. He handed me two fives. "Besides, I already got me a date,
right over there in that booth."
"Who?" I asked. "There ain't nobody over there in that booth!"
"She's still down under the table," he said, heading back across
the bar. "I gotta get back before she looses interest!"
"Bobby doesn't like whales, either," Marsha said. "He wouldn't
help a whale if it was dying of thirst. He wouldn't help nobody!"
"Bobby doesn't like whales?" I said. "Well I always thought he
would like whales, if anybody would."
"No, he don't like whales. Them poor whales, I just feel so sorry
for them! Nobody wants to help them."
"I hate whales," I said again.
"I know you hate whales," she said. "You already made that clear.
How would you like it if somebody ran you down with a boat & gigged
you with a harpoon!?!"
"I hate whales," I repeated.
"Them poor defensless whales, nobody will help them," she moaned.
I picked up her beer & poured it all over her stupid head.
"What'd you do that for?" she cried.
"I hate whales." I said.

--30--

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