Secrets at Dillehay Crossing - Chapter 12 - The Miraculous Miracle

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“I’ve never seen you so troubled, Grammy. What’s bothering you?” Lilly asked, her eyes narrowing softly.

Grammy removed her hands from her face and took a tissue from her purse, gently dabbing at the tears collecting on her eyelids. “I often wanted to share with you the news I received that day. Instead, I buried it in my heart along with so many of my other secrets. You don’t know how many times I started to tell you but just couldn’t muster the courage to do so.”

“But why not?”

“I suppose I was afraid, and there were always so many what if’s to consider. You were always so fragile on the inside, and I questioned if any good would come from telling you. What if telling you would drive a wedge between us or change the nature of our relationship? What if I lost you because of my secret? I couldn’t bear losing another loved one. But all my needless worrying kept me from being truthful with you. Now my heart is heavy, heavy with remorse that I can no longer bear alone.” Grammy’s voice lost its power. “You’re a grown woman now, Lilly, and infinitely stronger with a compassionate, forgiving spirit. And even if the nature of our relationship changes, we love one another and can endure that change. With all that being said, I still don’t know if I can tell you.”

“But you can’t not tell me now, Grammy!” Lilly exclaimed, a wedge of irritation filling her throat.

“There’s just no easy way to say this,” Grammy paused, tipping her head from side to side still questioning whether Lilly was ready. “I was pregnant,” Grammy looked away, unable to meet Lilly’s gaze.

“Pregnant?” Lilly’s lips formed an oval of surprise.

“Yes, pregnant with Jack’s child.” Grammy let out an uncontrolled moan. “I was just so ashamed of myself.”

“Ashamed? Why?” Lilly’s eyebrows furrowed as she tried to comprehend Grammy’s situation.

“During my time, sex outside of marriage was taboo, even for a widowed woman such as myself, and I was embarrassed and ashamed for letting it happen. I certainly knew better. Being an unwed mother-to-be was socially and morally unacceptable, and unwed mothers were frowned upon and frequently ostracized. Abortions were illegal, and back alley abortion clinics were unsavory and unsafe—not that I’d ever consider such a thing. Conception is one of life’s greatest miracles. Having a tiny human growing inside of me was part of a sacred covenant with the Divine and one I intended to honor. So abortion was never an option for me.

All that being said, many women, myself included, felt that having a baby out of wedlock was unforgiveable.” Grammy twisted her pearls between her fingers. “Being ashamed and embarrassed was a pretty normal reaction. So, I kept my pregnancy a secret for as long as I could. Eventually, my pregnancy became obvious so I quit work. Your Aunt Ruthie took care of your dad, and I moved into a maternity home, spending the remainder of my pregnancy well out of the public eye at a maternity home for unwed mothers run by the Blue Nuns of the Sisterhood of the Children of Mary.”

“But Grammy, you’re not Catholic.”

“No, I’m not Catholic nor am I particularly religious, but I was an unwed mother—alone, confused, and terribly frightened. I felt sinful and hated myself for getting into such a predicament and was in dire need of forgiveness and some way to redeem myself and rectify my situation. The home was a place that offered solace and redemption to unwed mothers like me. And in exchange for a place to live, I worked at the home preparing food, cooking meals, washing and ironing the nuns’ habits, and cleaning their quarters at the adjacent convent. The Sisters were loving, unobtrusive, non-judgmental women who provided us unwed mothers with the safe haven we desperately needed. For the most part, the home was peaceful and comforting. Except for…” Grammy’s voice trailed off.

“Except for what, Grammy?”

“…the Reverend Mother. Unlike the Sisters, she was an intrusive, stern, and intimidating woman who made no bones about her feelings toward unwed mothers. ‘The ability to conceive is gift from God and is always done within the sanctity of marriage,’ she often said. ‘Shame on you for giving into your carnal desires and not keeping your wits about you. You’re ruined and have brought shame upon yourselves and your families. You’re not worthy of bringing a child into the world and raising it’.”

“How mean-spirited of her!”

“Sometimes I thought so, but in my heart I don’t think Reverend Mother was ill-intentioned. Rather, she was a woman of deep, religious conviction who truly believed that unwed mothers were unworthy of bringing a child into the world and then raising it. You have to understand that I was already embarrassed by my own choices, and she simply confirmed how I was feeling, nourishing the seeds of shame and guilt and placing doubt in my mind.”

“But she preyed upon you, Grammy, when you were your most vulnerable! How could she?” Lilly exclaimed, her face clouding with anger and disgust. “To what end?”

“Reverend Mother was also committed to giving childless couples a chance to become parents. The doubt and shame she placed in our minds was merely her way of shedding light on our sins so we’d seek rehabilitation by renouncing our own babies, thus creating a win-win situation for childless couples and unwed mothers.”

“Renouncing?” Lilly asked, her throat tightening. “What does that mean?”

“Renouncing was voluntarily disavowing any claim or responsibility for one’s child. It was the ultimate means of forgiveness and redemption for being an unwed mother. So after my baby was delivered and properly cleaned, one of the Sisters returned him to me. I placed a clean diaper on him, wrapped him in a blanket, and renounced him, repeating the phrase I, Nora Liana, renounce my child for its own good; it’s part of my rehabilitation and punishment. It’s the price I pay for my misdemeanor and for my forgiveness.” A nun in a blue habit then plucked my baby from my arms. My eyes followed her into an adjacent room where Reverend Mother and two nuns in blue velvet robes stood waiting in front of a stained-glass window. Reverend Mother took the baby, walked toward the altar, and presented him to a young couple saying, ‘Here is your gift from God, a miraculous miracle’ she said, securing a pendant around the woman’s neck. ‘Wear this in remembrance of the woman who brought this child into existence. May God’s blessings be upon you. Amen.’ They bowed, thanked the Reverend Mother, and scurried out of the room so quickly that I didn’t even get a good look at them.”

“You didn’t know the couple and never saw them or your son again?”

“No, child, I didn’t. I was curious about them, though.

“Why did you keep this from me all this time, Grammy? How could you abandoned your child like that?” A shocked, deeply pained look crossed Lilly’s face.

“No! I didn’t abandon him!” Grammy snapped, her eyes glittering with anger. “This is EXACTLY why I hesitated sharing my past with you.” Grammy’s body tensed, and she glared at Lilly with reproving eyes. “You have a tendency to cloud your judgment from your own wounded past and feelings of abandonment.” What did I teach you about judging others from your values and experiences?”

“You taught me to detach, to understand the other person’s perspective, and to be nonjudgmental. But…but, Grammy.” Her voice rose in volume. “I don’t know if I can. This is personal.”

“That’s my point, Lilly. You’re making this personal, and it’s not.” She shot Lilly a hard look. “Calm down and listen to my side of the story. I think if you can see the situation from my perspective you’ll understand that I made the best possible decision I could at the time.”

Lilly wove her hands through her hair, pulling on it slightly trying to anchor her emotions. “Continue, Grammy,” Lilly said rather sharply, looking around the room without really seeing anything.

“With Jack out of the picture, I was at my wits end. I loved my baby even before he was born and wanted to spare him the stigma of being an illegitimate or bastard child. I was already struggling financially with raising your dad on my own and didn’t have the economic resources to insert another child into our lives. I wanted my baby to have a good home with two loving parents that could provide for him. So you see, from where I was at the time, I wasn’t abandoning him. Renouncing him and giving him to a childless couple was the responsible and loving thing to do.

Know that renouncing my child was the hardest thing I ever did. Unlike the grief I felt after Claude’s death, I still physically ache from the loss and grief of renouncing my child.” Grammy gazed inward. Her former life seemed far away, shadowy and dim, her memory of him having disappeared like a misty fog. “The grief comes in knowing that despite the bond, I’ll never share milestones and moments with him—all the ones that a mother normally shares with her child. But don’t misunderstand, Lilly. As painful as the loss was, I don’t regret my decision in the least. Renouncing my child was the best decision under the circumstances for both him and me. He got two loving parents who really wanted a child and could provide for him, and I got the peace of mind knowing he was okay.”

Grammy retrieved a tarnished pendant from the keepsake envelope she’d laid on the table. “Reverend Mother gave this to me the day I left the maternity home. ‘Your redemption is now complete,’ she told me. ‘Wear this pendant in remembrance of your penitence and the grace Mary bestowed upon you. May it give you strength’.”

Lilly took the timeworn pendant from Grammy’s hand and examined it. One side depicted a haloed Virgin Mary while the flip side bore a cross with the letter “M” and tiny words engraved around the edges. She immediately recognized its features as one’s she’d seen on the pendant she’d discovered earlier that morning while rummaging around her attic. “The pendant looks worse for the wear. Just curious, Grammy, what is it?”

“I wore it a lot while I lived with the Sisters. It’s the Miraculous Miracle pendant. The Sisters, like many Catholics, wore it believing that Mother Mary promised her grace and protection would be given to all who wore her pendant. When wearing the pendant, Catholics asked for Mary’s grace and protection. Catholic maternity homes often gave one to both the birth mother and one to the adopted mother so that they, too, could receive Mary’s grace and protection. Although I wasn’t Catholic, wearing it gave me strength, especially on those occasions when I doubted my decision.”

Lilly fiddled with the pendant in her hand. What are the odds, she thought, of seeing two identical pendants within the same day. What if….?

“Grammy, do you remember when your baby was born?”

“Sure, I remember. How could I forget? It was August 15, 1936.”

“Was your baby the only baby boy born on that day?” Lilly asked, grasping at straws.

“As far as I know.”

A steady stream of thoughts swirled quickly through Lilly’s mind, and she had trouble following them. Then something rash and ridiculous occurred to her August 15, 1936. Hmmmm. Wasn’t that the date written on Cousin Willie’s birth announcement? If so, what an odd coincidence. Did Charles and Rose adopt Willie at the maternity home run by the Sisterhood of the Children of Mary? I’ll have to ask Relda. What if Cousin Willie is Grammy’s son? How do I tell Grammy about his death? I know Grammy. It would crush her to lose Willie again. She’ll likely blame herself for Willie’s death believing that had she not renounced him and raised him herself, he’d still be alive. How will Relda, Granddaddy Dave, and Nick react when they learn of Cousin Willie’s connection to her and Grammy? Oh my gosh! Her mind raced forward. Cousin Willie was my uncle! Lilly tried suppressing her thoughts, but her inner turmoil grew. Her temples pounded, and the color drained from her face as she grappled with the prospect of what lay before her.

“Lilly, you look rather peaked all of a sudden. Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Lilly stuttered. “I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. So much to process in one sitting. Do you ever wonder about your little boy and what happened to him?” Lilly asked, struggling to keep the conversation going.

“Sure I do, mostly whenever his birthday rolls around. I imagine him eating birthday cake, opening his presents, and romping about outdoors. I wonder what he looked like as he grew up, curious as to whether he favors me or Jack.” Grammy’s chin quivered, a look of anguish washing over her face. “Mostly I hope his adopted parents shielded him from harm and showered him with love.”

“I see how difficult this is for you, Grammy.” Lilly replied in a soft tone, rich with understanding and acceptance. “I wish I could take away your heartache and pain.” Lilly took Grammy’s hand in hers and squeezed it, and they sat together in silence for an extended period of time not knowing what to say to one another.

“I’m suddenly feeling quite drained,” Grammy said, breaking the silence. “But oddly I feel lighter now perhaps because the weight of my secrets are no longer burdening me.” She placed the pendant inside her treasure chest and handed it to Lilly. “I’d like you to have this box of memories.

“I also want you to have these,” Grammy unfastened the string of pearls from around her neck. “I don’t get out much anymore and don’t have occasion to wear this beautiful string of pearls. These are the pink pearls that Jack gave me the day he said ‘goodbye’ and boarded the train for California.

“Grammy, No! I can’t accept these.”

“But why not? They’ll look stunning on you.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be comfortable wearing something Jack gave you. Plus, I know how special they are to you.”

“Yes, they are special, but all the more reason to give them to the special little girl whose graced my life all these years. It’ll mean the world to me for you to have them and wear them.”

“Well, uh,” she said fumbling for the right words to say, “if you’re sure.”

“Yes, I’m quite certain. Nothing would make me happier.

Lilly clasped the pink pearls around her neck feeling twinges of resentment towards Jack for the heartache and pain he caused Grammy.

Grammy grabbed her purse and abruptly stood up. “I’m tired and best be getting home.”

“You want me to give you a ride home?”

“No, Doddlebug. I can make it to the bus stop on own my own.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Besides, I want to linger in the lobby for a bit and reminisce.”

Lilly paid the waiter and accompanied Grammy down the stairs to the lobby. “Oh, I almost forgot. Granddaddy Dave and Relda are having a Fourth of July Shindig on the Mason property and told me to be sure and invite you. It’s evidently a big event. Please come, Grammy,” she said, her face beaming. “I think you and Relda have a lot in common, probably more than you realize.”

Well, I…uh…suppose so,” Grammy replied in an uncertain tone. “When I met Relda at your wedding, I sensed she and I had a connection. Perhaps we could become friends.”

You certainly could! Why don’t you come and stay with Nick and me for a couple of days beforehand? That way you and Relda can visit before the shindig. Plus, I could show you around the Mason property and also take you to work with me. You’ve never seen Hickory Pines. It’ll be such fun, don’t you think?”

“Why, yes! The fresh country air will do me some good. I’ll pack a few things and drive over to your place. How does that sound?”

“Fantastic, Grammy!” Lilly kissed her goodbye. “I love you, Grammy.” She stroked the string of pearls draped around her neck, realizing that the lilt of Grammy’s lavender perfume lingered on them igniting a rush of warm memories. “I cherish these, as I do you.”

“And I do you.”

They embraced and parted ways. Grammy walked through the lobby and sat down. Using her fingertips, she traced the chair’s rich tapestry pattern, traveling back in time and awakening memories of long ago. A gentle smile graced her lips as she retraced the tapestry of her life. Memories, she thought, are as preserved flowers in saffron pages, the gentle reminder of something passed. They brush through my subconscious recalling memories that bring out the deepest spark of nostalgia in my soul.

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