Rhythm of Pain and Pleasure
RHYTHM OF PAIN AND PLEASURE
I started knowing pain the year I turned four I was just a little chubby girl of four. A man, oh no, a monstrous predator, gave me a candy. A wretched looking candy to my adult’s eyes now but then it was a precious candy to the little girl of four. He gave me a candy, his price to buy my childhood. He took a precious thing from me and gave me pain. Now, I have pain as constant as change, a painful pang that refused to go for years.
The night he stole my childhood, yes he stole it because his miserable candy was worthless in comparison to what he took away from me, the night was like every other night. But that night, the moon gingerly crept behind the spreading cloud. The cloud stole the moon’s brightness the night my innocence was forcefully taken away from me with just a wretched candy.
‘Come here girl and sit’ he patted an empty space between him and my brother-a mere child, what did he know? He did not know there would be a theft that night, a theft of all theft, for his precious sister will lose her childhood forever.
I obeyed without resistance, because I was expecting another candy from ‘an uncle’ who likes me more than others.
Then, I felt it, a finger prodding me underneath.
But the owner of the finger was preoccupied with something else. His face was not looking at me at all, but his finger was wrecking havoc.
Then I felt something like a tremor cascading through my whole body. I have not felt like that before.
The finger, its touch was painfully pleasurable, a forbidden pleasure to my innocent mind.
Fear and confusion transfixed me to that spot until he had the fill of his lustful desire.
‘Do you like it’, he asked me in a whisper.
‘Yes’, I quickly answered
Yes, was the true response, I have been taught to always say the truth.
‘We will do it again. But you must not tell your mother or anyone else’, he quickly added.
I cannot remember what happened again, whether I told my mother or not but I remember that I became so conscious of my sexuality. I remembered I became so curious about what I felt and was so curious to feel it again.
Then, he called me again, this time into his room. He gave me a peanut, not a candy. But I became more self-conscious and more alert, because there are other small girls he has given peanut like me. They were outside waiting their turn. I knew that his claim that he liked me was a trap, he has said same to other innocent girls. I decided to say no this time around. I decided to say no to the monster.
‘Will you sleep’, his voice jolted me into reality.
‘Sleep, this is broad day light, how can he be talking about sleep? Besides, there is no bed in his room, only a wide rectangular board.’
‘No, I don’t want to sleep’, I answered.
‘I want to go out’, I courageous told him.
‘Okay’.
Just like that, I got my freedom from a sleep I didn’t know what it was meant for. But he knew what it was meant for. Now I know what it was meant for
Mercy has entered the trap. Mercy a little girl of six was given a peanut just like me. Now Mercy is inside his room.
‘Did he do what he did to me that night to Mercy? Will Mercy agree to sleep? How can I tell Mercy not to sleep?
‘Sharon, what are you doing there’?
What! My mother is back.
‘I am waiting for Mercy’, I feebly answered
‘Where is Mercy’?, my mother asked as she closed the distance between us.
I just pointed to the door. Grace also pointed to the door.
Great alarmed was written on my mother’s face. I saw anger and fear mixed together.
Bang, bang, bang
‘Open the door, you bastard’, I heard my mother’s voice
Father was coming too.
‘What is happening?’ he demanded to know.
Mother did not stop the banging of the door and the Monster did not open the door for Mercy to come out.
‘Is Mercy sleeping? She must be very sleepy indeed’ I kept muttering to myself
Then the door opened and Mercy was tossed out while the Monster quickly locked himself inside. He was afraid of the wrath of my father and mother. Father was already fuming. Mother was cursing furiously. Mercy was so scared and I could smell her fear.
‘I will ask her whether she slept on the man’s wide rectangular board. I want to know if the man did what he did to me that night to her. I really want to know so many things but no one to give me the answers.
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