Memorable Vacation Times And Adventures

So here we go again. Here I am simply trying to take a brief vacation to Ireland for a few days to get away from it all, when here comes this crazy itinerary to smack me in the face. I live on the East coast of America. It is an easy hop, skip and jump over the pond to England where you hang a quick left and there it is!... The Emerald Isle...Ireland! It does not get any easier than that so why am I on a flight to Chicago, which is in the midwest, the opposite direction, in the heart of the nation? Why am I traveling west when my destination is east?

My travel agent is soon to be dismissed. In their zeal to save me a few dollars they created this yo-yo, up and down, multi airport landings scenario, causing one fiasco after another that literally wasted hours of my precious travel time.

Many hours later, after tedious stop overs and delays, I finally ended up on a flight heading in my direction. What if I decided to go to Mexico or farther south to South America or Argentina? Would my agent find me seats on flights going to Canada or Alaska or farther north to the North Pole? Being that the world is round or slightly pear shaped, I guess I would eventually end up at a destination of my choice by chance or happenstance.

It was early morning Saturday when we landed at Shannon Airport aboard Aer Lingus flight 27. I was completely exhausted and worn out from the related misadventures. I can't wait to fire my travel agent.

I am not familiar with the words Aer Lingus. The Aer probably means “Air” and Lingus sounds to me like it has something to do with the tongue. I'm sure I'm wrong and it does not matter. The locals say that it translates to “Air Fleet.” Sounds good to me so we will go with that. I simply want a B&B and a long sleep. Wherever you shake a stick in Ireland you can find cheap Bed & Breakfast lodgings.

No sooner had I rented a car at the airport, driving south off the property, when I was plucked out of my seat by a giant leprechaun who immediately placed me in its bright green jacket pocket and then quickly discarded the car like it was a paper toy, tossing it off into the distance.

I could only speculate that leprechauns kidnap humans for good luck or as lucky charms to show off to their friends, family and neighbors. This idiot does not know what a mistake he has just made. I am a long distance from being good luck for him or any one who comes in contact with me as a rule.

This jolly green giant character is soon to find that out. He is about to have an unforgettable nightmare.

His pocket was dark, dingy and smelly. It smelled like camphor and old lady underpants. I don't know what old lady pants smell like but I imagine they smell pretty bad. I felt myself moving up and down so I figured the beast must be going somewhere.

I prayed that it spoke English so I could curse it out properly when I laid eyes on it again. Communication is very important to me. I was already assembling a string of vile and vulgar profanities and visceral curses to hurl at him when the chance arrived. It was a toss up as to who was vexing me more.... My travel agent or this criminal cowardly leprechaun?

Is this how they treat all tourists? I only want to get about doing my business of doing nothing. Is that asking too much?

It seemed like we had been in motion for a considerable amount of time. I was so tired that I fell asleep in his pocket. All that rocking made me sleepy. When I awoke the leprechaun had taken me out and placed me on a high tree stump so I could not escape. It is times like these that I wish I carried a gun and grenades. I would do anything for a bazooka right now.

The creature stood as tall as a twenty story building with a big crooked grin on his face and rosy red cheeks. I tried yelling obscenities at him; casting ugly dispersions about his mother, suggesting she was and is involved in sorted sexual activities in whore houses. None of my comments seemed to be doing the trick or getting the desired response. Sadly I do not speak leprechaun. Where is a megaphone and a translator when you need one? Don't they have police or laws in this nation?

I was getting nowhere fast. I took out my wallet and flashed some green bills in its ugly face. It is my understanding they prefer gold but I was getting desperate.

As fate would have it, all of my efforts were not in vein. I seemed to have caught the attention of Mr. Lucky Charms inadvertently with the sight of my wrist watch, a bright and shinny object moving about when I flashed the cash. I took it off immediately and threw it in his direction. He snatched it out of the air or is it “Aer” before it landed and with his other hand he picked me up with an index finger and thumb and placed me on the ground.

I did not need a formal invitation. I began to run faster than the wind through the briers and thick underbrush of the ancient forest. I ran past a unicorn or two but who had time for counting?

No one would ever believe my story so I never told it and I never intend to. Some things are better left unsaid. Next time I think I will stay at home and read a book on soups and baking goods. I should stay clear of readings about or concerning giants, leprechauns and the like.

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