Let The Hunt Begin

It is imperative to bring the right equipment and tools with you to the investigation. This is a serious matter of the first order, of utmost importance, in fact a situation of the highest order of magnitude conceivably imaginable or unimaginable or otherwise plausible if you can believe that. Hunting is no small matter. Footprints (boot prints if you like) must be measured to get it right. (Bring a ruler or alternate measuring device of comparable practicality.) Nothing can be left to chance.

First of all you will need a very large telescope. (A microscope will suffice.) We suggest two new flashlights with fully charged functionally adequate batteries. The dark requires attention to detail. Bring matches. They must be dry. (Wet won't do.) Guns are optional. Mosquito repellent is a must if you are waiting outside. All action in this matter will take place indoors behind closed doors so calculate your actions with the appropriate due diligence and with a great deal of judicial sense.

The walls will have to be prepared with heaps of spreadable peanut butter applied liberally about. Keep brushes and buckets on the ready at all times. Shelled raw peanuts should be broadcast over the entirety of the bedroom floor. This is important to insure that when the prey steps on them the sound will give away their position. Our sources inform us there is a possibility the creature in question is in a horizontal position (nap time) at this location. It is the perfect time to strike.

This step is critical so listen up. This requires your full attention. Bring a net, tent size, with circus like dimensions because this could get intense, ugly, even silly if you are so inclined. We don't want to arouse any suspicions so wear soft slippers, the warm and fuzzy type with the red tassels on top.

We took the liberty of having a giant E embroidered on the pajamas of the prey when he was in captivity. He escaped last week from the zoo and goes by the name of Edvardo. The E actually stands for “elephant.” Don't get confused. (Keep that in mind when hunting.) The only way you can tell if an elephant is in bed with you is by the E on the pajamas. Remember that the next time you go hunting rabbits.... I mean elephants. There is a difference. Silly rabbits! Rabbits don't wear pajamas. (not that I'm aware of.)

This is no joke. It is an elephant joke. Keep it to yourself the next time you are in a business suit, in a business meeting and something large is there with you in the middle of the room. This must all be kept very confidential. In fact it is a secret. I mean who would even listen to you or believe you? Forget you ever read this. Nothing to see here. Move along.

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