I'm No Movie Star

Since menopause has pretty much eaten up what’s left of my eyelashes, I thought I’d try the fluttery false-but-sexy look that the movie stars wear. I figure if they can wake up and glue those suckers on every morning, why so can I. I opened the box, smoothed out the directions and began…

“Pierce tube of adhesive with a sharp object”. I didn’t have anything handy, so I took it in my teeth and twisted. The lid came off, but so did a tiny bit of glue – right onto my teeth. Great! Now my teeth were so stuck together I couldn’t even yell for help. I stayed calm, trying patiently to wait for the glue to dissipate.

Next, I took one of the eyelashes and held it between my fingers. I began to slide the glue carefully across the top but it started coming out too fast. “Dggntt!” I muttered. I tried to say “dog gonnit” but my teeth wouldn’t allow me to form vowels. I went to adhere it to my eye but my fingers were stuck on it. I had to take something – anything to pry them apart. I reached for my toothbrush. Cramming the bristles in between my fingers, they finally gave way. I put the eyelash up to my eye but there was a tiny drop of glue on the lash itself. “Ugghgdnggt!” I muttered louder. I grabbed my tiny, feeble eyelashes and pinched the lashes to my own. …”sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty” I counted to myself. I let go – I TRIED to let go but my fingers were glued to the eyelashes now hanging from my eye! “Hthsisrdcklss” (oh this is ridiculous!) I hissed.

I’m sure the starlets don’t have this much trouble. I couldn’t wait for somebody to come home to pry my fingers loose from this mess. I had to do it myself. I held my breath, gritted my teeth, even more than they were – and yanked. Off came the glue and the false eyelash; along with what was left of my own. I was able to get the lid off of the nail polish remover and somehow ‘dissolve’ the whole mess. I’m so glad that’s finally over - except now my nail polish is a total mess. Hmm…I wonder how the stars apply their false nails?

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