Broken Mirrors: My pain
BROKEN MIRRORS: MY PAIN
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MY UNCLE WILL BE THE REASON FOR MY PAIN? THAT MY UNCLE WILL BE THE ONE TO TAKE MY PRIDE AWAY. I WAS ONLY A CHILD WHEN IT ALL STARTED, BUT ALL THOSE PAINFUL EVENTS STILL CLOUDS MY MIND …. I STILL HEAR MY OWN SCREAMS, I STILL SEE THAT LITTLE INNOCENT GIRL SCREAMING, CRYING FOR HELP. WHY WOULD SOMEONE I REFER TO AS MY FATHER DO THIS TO A LITTLE CHILD. I WAS POWERLESS, FEARFUL, BUT ALL THAT DIDDNT STOP HIM.
EVERYTHING SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY, THE SCARS, THE SCREAMS, THE FEAR IN MY EYES, BUT ALL THAT GAVE HIM SATISFACTION. … I STILL SEE HIS SMILE, WHILE I WAS SCREAMING AND KICKING, BEGGING HIM TO STOP. WHAT HURT THE MOST IS THAT IT ALL WAS THE BEGINNING OF MY MISERY. MAYBE IM CRAZY BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT IT STARTED WHEN I WAS 3 BECAUSE EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES I SART HAVING FLASHBACKS. IT DIDN’T STOP THERE AND IT DIDN’T END THERE. I WAS VULNERABLE AND YET MY UNCLE SAW A SEX PAWN. I MEAN I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING, BUT YEARS LATER I KNEW IT WAS WRONG YET IT WAS STILL HAPPENNING. NOW I WAS 8.
WHO WOULD BELIEVE A CHILD OVER HER SON? I WAS DEAD YET BREATHING, WHEN MY UNCLE TOOK MY PRIDE, THAT’S WHEN MY HAPPINESS WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, THAT’S WHEN I CURSED BEING BORN. HOW DO YOU MOVE ON FROM WHAT KILLED YOU? HOW DO YOU MOVE ON FROM SUCH EXPERIENCE? HOW DO YOU FORGOT SUCH CRUELTY? HOW DO YOU HURT AN INNOCENT LITTLE GIRL LIKE THIS? I GUESS MY SIN WAS TO BE A GIRL, MY OWN UNCLE BROKE ME, MY OWN UNCLE KILLED THAT SMILE IN ME. MY NAME IS DLAMINI VATHISWA THIS IS MY STORY…….
WHO TO BLAME? SOMETIMES I WOULD BLAME MY FATHER FOR NOT BIENG THERE FOR ME, MAYBE IF HE WAS PRESENT IN MY LIFE NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. SOMETIMES I BLAMED MY MOM FOR LEAVING ME BEHIND WITH MY GRANDMOTHER MAYBE IF SHE HAS TAKEN ME WITH HER NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. BUT HEI NONE OF THEM WAS AT FAULT, THEY DIDN’T KNOW THAT I WILL GO THROUGH ALL THIS. SOMETIMES I BLAMED MYSELF FOR NOT FIGHTING, I BLAMED MYSELF FOR LETTING HIM GET HIS WAY WITH ME, BUT I WAS ONLY A CHILD, COULDN’T FIGHT HIM. MY SCARS ARE STILL VISIBLE, THE WOUNDS HAVE NOT HEALED YET. I FEEL LIKE I’VE FAILED MYSELF, I FEEL LIKE I’VE LED HIM ON. HOW CAN A 6-YEAR-OLD LED ON AN OLD MAN? PAIN? THIS IS WHERE IT ALL STARTED, THIS IS WHERE MY SORROWS BEGIN. I ESCAPED REALITY AND MY LIFE BY WRITING POEMS AND DRAW PICTURES OF ANGELS WITH BROKEN WINGS. NO ONE UNDERSTOOD THE MEANING OF ALL THOSE PICTURES, THEY DIDN’T CARE. I WAS LAUGHING, SMILING, WHILE I WAS DYING EACH MINUTE THAT PASSES BY. EACH SECOND, I WAS BREAKING. I WANTED TO END THE PAIN, I WANTED TO FREE MYSELF. I TOLD MYSELF I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MEN, TOLD MYSELF MEN ARE VULTURES. I WAS ONCE A HAPPY CHILD BUT MY UNCLE TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME. LET ME TAKE YOU TO HOW IT ALL STARTED.
MY UNCLE USED TO HAVE HIS WAY WITH ME, TILL I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS GOING ON. I USED TO WET MY BED MY MOM WOULD BEAT ME UP, SHE WOULD ALWAYS SHOUT AT ME, MY GRANDMOTHER WOULD CALL ME NAMES. I WAS SCARED TO SPEAK UP, I WAS SCARED THAT THEY WON’T BELIEVE ME. HE HAD HIS WAY WITH TILL I WAS 7. I WETTED MY BED TILL I WAS 18 IT WAS EMBARRASSING, I HATED MYSELF, HATED TO VISIT RELATIVES BECAUSE OF MY PROMBLEM. EVERYONE WAS LAUGHUNG AT ME, IT WAS HARD TO ATTEND FAMILY GATHERINGS. I STILL REMEMBER HOW I BEGGED MY MOTHER, CRYING BEGGING HER TO TAKE ME WITH. TO HER EYES I WAS AN ATTENTION SEEKER, BUT DEEP DOWN I WAS SCARED THAT I WOULD DIE IN THE HANDS OF A MAN WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME.
FINALLY, MY MOTHER TOOK ME TO STAY WITH HER AND HER HUSBAND, I WAS DOING GRADE 3, BUT THINGS WASN’T AS COSSY AS THEY SEEM OUTSIDE CLOSED DOORS. SHE DECIDED TO ASK HER HUSBAND’S SISTER TO TAKE ME. SEE, I WAS UP AND DOWN. NGIHLALA NABANTU WHO WERE ABUSING ME EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY. MY AUNT, USED TO ABUSE ME MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY. I WOULD CLEAN THE HOUSE, WASH HER CLOTHES, INCLUDING HER UNDERWEARS. WOULD COOK AND FIREWOODS. LIFE WAS HELL, AS FOR MY MOTHER SHE WAS ENJOYING HER LIFE WITH HER FAMILY. AT FIRST, I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY MY MOTHER WAS GIVING ME TO STRANGERS, WHY COULDN’T SHE TOOK ME TO STAY WITH HER FAMILY? BUT FINALLY, IT MADE SENSE, I WASN’T HER HUSBAND’S DAUGHTER. LIFE WAS DIFFICULT NGIHLALA NO AUNTY ONE DAY DECIDED TO PACK MY CLOTHES AND RUNAWAY, MIND YOU I WAS ONLY 10. I HAD TO LIE TO MY PRINCIPAL AND TOLD HER UKUTHI UMAH SAID MELE ANGINIKE ULIFT. AND LUCKILY, SHE DIDN’T ASK MANY QUESTIONS, WAVUMA. MY MOTHER WAS SHOCKED TO SEE ME AT HER DOORSTEP, SHE WAS SHOCKED TO SEE ME CARRYING A BACKBACK, I WAS TINY AND HUNGRY, NOT TO FORGET HOW DIRTY I WAS, THE CLOTHES I WAS WEARING. SHE ASKED ME WHAT HAPPENED, I DIDN’T TELL HER THE WHOLE TRUTH BECAUSE I FELT LIKE SHE WON’T BELIEVE ME. THANK YOU TO MY AUNT’S NEIGBOURS WHO TOLD HER THE WHOLE STORY.
SHE WAS SHOCKED AND DISSAPPOINTED, SHE ASKED ME WHY DIDN’T I TELL HER THE TRUTH AND I COULDN’T ANSWER HER. LIFE BECAME BETTER, NGAQALA ISIKOLO ESITSHA NGIHLALA NOMAH NOMNDENI WAKHE. BUT KE OKUNGAPHELI KUYAHLOLA. MY STEPDAD ONE DAY CAME BACK WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND SOON TO BE WIFE, HE KICKED US OUT. OHHH LET ME TELL YOU HOW I FOUND OUT THAT HE WASN’T MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER, I WAS ARGUING WITH MY LITTLE BROTHER HE THEN SAID “OKOKUQALA AKUYIKONA KINI LA, AND AWUSIWUYE OKA BABA” IT SUDDENLY MAKES SENSE WHY NGANGIHAMBA NGIHLALA BECAUSE AKUKHO LA NGANGI BELONG KHONA.
I FELT UNLOVED AND FELT LIKE I WAS A CURSE. MY STEPDAD MADE THINGS WORSE BY KICKING US OUT, BUT LUCKILY MY MOTHER HAD HER OWN APARTMENT, THAT’S WHERE WE STAYED BUT IMPILO YAYINGEKHO LULA ON MY SIDE BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I DON’T BELONG ANYWHERE. I FELT LOST AND NEEDED SENSE OF BELONGING. I TOOK DECISIONS THAT IM NOT PROUD OF, HONESTLY SPEAKING I WAS DEAD INSIDE BUT COULDN’T TELL MY MOTHER HOW ALL THESE THINGS AFFECTED ME. OKUBUHLUNGU SHE WAS A SOCIAL WORKER BUSY HELPING INGANE ZABANTU WHILE HER OWN DAUGHTER NEEDED HER. I NEEDED HER BUT SHE WASN’T THERE FOR ME. 2014 I DATED A PASTOR THAT WAS A TENANT EKHAYA, HE GAVE ME THAT FATHER’S LOVE THAT I YEARNED FOR, HE PROTECTED ME, WOULD LISTEN TO MY CRIES. AND I FELT LIKE THAT’S WHERE I NEEDED TO BE, THAT’S WHERE I BELONGED.
IN MY MOTHER’S EYES NGANGIWUMGQAKHWE, BUT IN HIS EYES I WAS A LOST SHEEP THAT NEEDED GUIDANCE. TO BE HONEST I WOULD ASK FOR IZINTO KUYE THAN NGIZICELA KUMAH. I REMEMBER HOW I FELT ALIVE WHEN IM IN HIS HOUSE, THAN AT HOME. AT HOME I FELT DEAD, FELT UNWANTED, FELT UNLOVED. THINGS BECAME WORSE I WAS A HOMEWRECKER; THIS MAN WAS MARRIED WITH TWO SONS. BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP ME FROM CONTINUING MY AFFAIR WITH THIS MAN. HIS WIFE BEGGED ME TO STAY AWAY BUT I COULDN’T BECAUSE I FELT ALIVE WITH THIS MAN. I COULDN’T SACRIFISE MY HAPPINESS AND SENSE OF BELONGING. I KNOW IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO BE WITH A MARRIED MAN, BUT THAT MAN PLAYED A HUGE ROLE IN MY LIFE. HIS WIFE DECIDED TO MOVE OUT AND I MOVED IN WITH HIM. SEE I WAS OBSESSED AND CLINGY, TO ME THIS MAN WAS MY FATHER, MY FRIEND AND MY SENSE OF BELONGING. IM NOT PROUD BUT AT THAT TIME BEING WITH HIM MADE SENSE, MIND YOU I WAS 17 AND HE WAS 37… MY MOTHER GAVE UP ON ME, SHE COULDN’T EVEN TRY TO FIND OUT MY REASONS BEHIND ALL THIS AND I DON’T BLAME HER. I FELL PREGNANT WITH MY FIRST DAUGHTER, THINGS CHANGE, THE MAN I WAS STAYING WITH CHANGED. I COULDN’T RUN TO MY MOTHER, I FELT LIKE I DESERVED EVERYTHING I WAS GOING THROUGH.
HE STARTED BECOMING ABUSIVE AND WOULD BLAME ME FOR VEVRYTHING, HE WOULD SAY I’VE PUSHED HIM TO DO IT. AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS ALL MY FAULT, I WAS IN DENIAL. I FEL LIKE EVERYTHING THAT WAS HAPPENING WAS MY FAULT. HIS WIFE BEGGED ME TO GO HOME, TO TELL THE TRUTH HIS WIFE WAS AN ANGEL AND I WAS A DEMON. WHO CAN LOVE HIS HUSBAND’S MISTRESS? BUT THAT WOMAN LOVED ME AND TRIED BY ALL MEANS TO PROTECT ME AND MY BABY. 2015 APRIL 01 I GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY GIRL, WHO WAS DIAGNISED WITH AUTISM. I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND UKUTHI HLOBO LUNI LWESIGULO, I WAS IN DENIAL. THERE WERE TIMES WHERE I WANTED TO RESENT MY DAUGHTER. THERE WERE TIMES WHERE I FELT LIKE GIVING UP, WHERE I FELT LIKE ENDING MY LIFE. I KNEW UKUTHI ANGEKE NGIBE UMAMA OQOTHO KWINDODAKAZI YAM. I KNEW UKUTHI I WONT LOVE HER BECAUSE I NEVER EXPERIENCED A MOTHER’S LOVE.
BUT SOMETHING IN ME GAVE ME HOPE AND FAITH, SOMETHING IN ME GAVE ME STRENGHT. MY DAUGHTER WAS A GIFT I JUST FELL IN LOVE WITH HER OUT OF THE BLUE, I GUESS IT WAS A MOTHER’S LOVE. I REMEMBER HOW THINGS BECAME WORSE, NGANGIYINTLEKISA EMPHAKATHINI, BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER COULDN’T TALK NOR WALK. I WOULD CRY EVERYDAY WHEN IM ALONE BEGGING GOD TO DO A MIRACLE, I WAS 18 AT THAT TIME. I WOULD BLAME MYSELF FOR THE PAIN I PUT THAT WOMAN THROUGH. YES, I FELT LIKE I WAS THE REASON BEHIND MY DAUGHTER’S ILLNESS. I FELT LIKE IT WAS ALL MY FAULT AND MY DAUGHTER WAS PAYING FOR MY SINS. SOMETIMES WOULD BLAME MY MOTHER, SOMETIMES WOULD BLAME MY FATHER FOR BEING ABSENT IN MY LIFE.
KUBI KUNJALO I FELL PREGNANT AGAIN FOR THE SAME MAN, I REMEMBER HOW HE TOLD ME TO DO ABORTION, HE TOLD ME I WAS A DISGRACE. HE CALLED ME NAMES AND I DERSEVED ALL THAT. I WAS INDEED A DISGRACE; I WAS A CURSE IN MY MOTHER’S WOMB. BUT KUYO YONKE LONTO I COULDN’T KILL AN INNOCENT SOUL BECAUSE OF MY SINS, I DIDN’T WANNA DO IT. I REMEMBER HOW HE KICKED ME, ETHI HE WILL KILL ME. BUT NGANGINGENANDABA NALOKHO BECAUSE I WAS TELLING MYSELF THAT “EKUNGCINENI I WILL BE FREE”. I WAS SAYING A LITTLE PRAYER, “GOD TAKE ME AND MY DAUGHTER AND THIS BABY THAT IM CARRING, MAYBE NGIZOPHUMULA KULOBU BUHLUNGU BOMHLABA”. I WAS EXHAUSTED EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY. I WAS TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS, I WANTED AN EASY WAY OUT. ON THE 21 APRIL 2017 I GAVE BIRTH TO ANOTHER BABY GIRL, TO BE HONEST I WASN’T EXCITED AS MOTHER’S ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. MY FIRST BORN NEEDED MY ATTENTION AND MANJE KUNENGANE ENCANE EKUMELE NGIYINAKEKELE. I FORGOT UKUSHO LOKHU, BESENGIHLALA EKHAYA WITH MY LITTLE BROTHER NGOBA UMAMA UBESEHLALA ETHEKWINI.
I REMEMBER HOW MY LIITTLE ANGEL WAS, SHE WAS ONE CUTE BABY. SHE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE HER BIG SISTER, BUT KUKHO KONKE LOKHO I WAS WORRIED ABOUT MY FIRST PRINCESS, I FELT LIKE I’VE FAILED HER AND EQINISWENI BENGIYISEHLULEKI. I REMEMBER WHEN MY FIRST PRINCESS TOOK HER FIRST STEP, SHE WAS 2 YEARS. I COULDNT BELIEVE IT, IT FELT LIKE I WAS SEEING THINGS. I EVEN ASKED MY LITTLE BROTHER UKUTHI UBONILE YHINI LOKHU ENGIKUBONILE AND HE WAS LIKE YEBO, SHE JUST TOOK HER FIRST STEP. GOD HEARD MY PRAYER; GOD HEARD MY CRIES. MY DAUGHTER JUST TOOK HER FIRST STEP. 2019 DOCTORS TOLD ME MY FIRST PRINCESS HAS AUTISM, ONE SICKNESS EBENGINGAZI LUTHO NGAYO. IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO ACCEPT WHAT THE DOCTORS WERE SAYING. I FELT LIKE MY PRINCESS WAS PAYING FOR MY SINS. MY MOTHER WAS SO SUPPORTIVE, SHE GAVE ME LOVE AND SUPPORT WHEN I NEEDED IT THE MOST.
2020 I WAS ADMITTED AT WALTER SISULU UNIVERSITY AND THERE I THOUGHT MY LIFE IS GONNA CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, THINGS WERE DIFFICULT DURING MY FIRST YEAR, ALMOST COMMITTED SUICIDE. THERE WERE TIMES WHERE I WOULD GO TO BED WITH AN EMPTY STOMACH, I WOULD CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP FOR DAYS. AT THE END OF THE DAY, WILL HAVE TO HIDE MY PAIN TO THE WORLD, WILL HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE EVERYTHING IS GOING OKAY. I REMEMBER HOW I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP, HAVING NO FOOD, COULDN’T CALL HOME CAUSE MY MOTHER WAS HELPING ME WITH THE KIDS. I TOLD MYSELF I WILL BE STRONG AND FOCUS ON WHAT I WANT TO ACHIEVE, TOLD MYSELF TO HANG ON A LITTLE LONGER, IF NOT FOR ME, FOR MY MOM AND DAUGHTERS.
LIFE SHOWED ME TO BE GRATEFUL FOR IZINTO ONAZO, YES IM THE CAUSE OF SOME WOMAN’S PAIN, BUT I PRAY SOME DAY SHE FORGIVES ME FOR ALL THE PAIN I’VE PUT HER THROUGH. I PRAY SOMEDAY I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THE MISTAKES I’VE MADE. I PRAY I GIVE MY DAUGHTERS THE LOVE I ONCE LACKED, WITH NO REGRETS WHATSOEVER. YAZI SOMETOMETIMES IN LIFE SENZA IZINTO EZIMBI KWABANYE ABANTU WITHOUT NOTICING, WHAT I PUT THAT WOMAN THROUGH WAS EVIL AND YES, I ADMIT I WAS DOING IT FOR MY SELFISH REASONS. TO ME BEKU RIGHT BECAUSE BENGIFUMANA SOMETHIMG I LACK FOR, THAT IS A PARENT’S LOVE BUT BENGIKUFUMANA AT ANOTHER PERSON’S EXPENSE.
REASONS OF WHY I USED THIS TITTLE BROKEN MIRRORS MY PAIN?
I MADE WRONG DECISIONS NGENXA YOBUHLUNGU ENGIDLULE KUBONA.
THE PAIN I WENT THROUGH CHANGED ME TO BE THE WORST VERSION OF MYSELF BUT BECAUSE I BELIEVED IN MIRACLES, GOD CHANGED MY WAYS.
THE PAIN CHANGED ME BUT BECAUSE OF THE FIRE THAT BURNT INSIDE ME BURNT BRIGHTER THAN THE FIRE ARROUND ME, I BACAME THE BETTER VERSION OF MYSELF.
BROKEN MIRRORS MY PAIN, IM NO LONGER BROKEN BECAUSE I’VE LEARNT TO LIVE WITH THIS PAIN AND USED IT TO CHANGE THE LIVES OF OTHERS TO BE BETTER.
I USED TO WRITE POEMS TO ESCAPE MY PAIN, TO ESCAPE REALITY. WRITING BECAME THERAPEAUTIC FOR ME. I’VE LEARNT TO LOVE MY DAUGTER AND I’VE LEARNT TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ALL THE THINGS I’VE DONE AND WENT THROUGH. LACKING A PARENT’S LOVE CAN LEAD ONE TO DO THINGS THAT MAY HARM OTHERS AND THAT MAY LEAD THEM TO LOSE THEMSELVES.
WHY DID I INCLUDE MY HOME WRECKING PART?
RUNNING AWAY FROM THE TRUTH WONT HELP BUT WILL EAT ME UP.
IM TIRED OF BLAMING OTHERS FOR MY MISTAKES.
I WAS WRONG, IM NOT PERFECT AND I HOPE SOMEONE ELSE WILL BE ABLE TO FIND COURAGE AND ALSO FACE THEIR OWN DEMONS AND OWN UP TO THEIR MISTAKES.
I BROKE A FAMILY BECAUSE OF MY SELFISH REASONS, AND I’VE FORGIVEN MYSELF AND HOPE SOMEONE ELSE WON’T DO WHAT I DID BECAUSE THEY ARE LACKING A PARENT’S LOVE
MY UNCLE BROKE ME TO A POINT WHERE I ENDED UP NGINGAKWAZI OKU WRONG NOKU RIGHT. WHEN MY MOM LEARNED ABOUT WHAT MY UNCLE DID, I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE ME THE SUPPORT AND LOVE THAT I FELT LIKE I NEEDED. BUT WHO WAS I FOOLING, I WAS ALONE IN THE BEGINNING, IM STILL GONNA REMAIN ALONE. BUT WHO AM I TO BLAME HER, WHEN I’VE DISSAPPOINTED HER NGALEYANDLELA. MAYBE IF NGANGIMTSHELILE KWASE KUQALENI SHE WOULD HAVE TRIED TO HELP ME.
I’VE FAILED MYSELF BUT I WONT GONNA DWELL ON WHAT KILLED ME BUT ON WHAT GAVE ME THE PURPOSE TO LIVE. MY FIRST DAUGHTER IS THE REASON WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK. MY SECOND BORN IS THE REASON WHY I DECIDED TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF AND DUST MYSELF. I’VE FAILED MYSELF BUT IM NOT GONNA FAIL MY DAUGHTERS.
HOW DO I MOVE ON FROM THE PAST?
FORGIVE YOURSELF.
FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE KILLED YOUR INNER SELF
FORGIVE THOSE WHO COULDN’T HELP YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED THEM TO
YOU CAN’T BURRY THE PAST BUT YOU CAN BUILD YOURSELF
STOP DWELLING ON WHAT KILLED YOU BUT DWELL ON WHAT GIVES YOU THE REASON TO MOVE ON AND LIVE.
USE YOUR PAIN AS THE STRENGHT NOT THE WEAKNESS.
WE ARE THE GENERATION OF DEPRESSION. BUT WE CAN BE THE GENERATION THAT CAN FIGHT DEPRESSION. IM NOT PERFECT, WE ALL AIN’T. BUT WE WERE BORN TO MAKE MISTAKES, LEARN FROM THEM AND MOVE PAST THEM. IM NOT PROUD OF HOW AT FIRST I HANDLED MY PAIN BUT IM PROUD OF HOW IM ENDING MY PAIN. I’VE TOLD MYSELF THAT “FORGIVENESS IS SOMETHING THAT WE HAVE TO FIND WITHIN OURSELVES, DON’T BE A SLAVE OF HATRED”. THAT’S WHAT GAVE ME THE STRENGHT TO MOVE PAST MY PAIN.
I HAD ANGER IN ME, ANGER THAT ALMOST DESTROYED ME. I ALMOST LET NON-FORGIVENESS ROB ME OF MY HAPPINESS; IM GLAD I CONTROLLED MY ANGER BECAUSE I AM WHERE I AM BECAUSE I FORGAVE THOSE WHO DESTROYED MY PEACE. IT TOOK ME PAIN, TEARS AND SLEEPLESS NIGHTS TO HEAL, I DIDN’T DO IT ON MY OWN I HAD GOD BY MY SIDE. I’VE TOLD MYSELF TO DEVELOP ENOUGH COURAGE SO THAT I CAN BE ABLE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND OTHERS,
I QOUTE “DARKNESS USED TO BE A PEACEFUL PLACE, BECAUSE WHEN THE LIGHTS WERE ON IT FELT LIKE THEY WERE EXPOSING MY SCARS. I BECAME TIRED OF ANGER AND HATE BECAUSE IT WAS NO LONGER WORTH IT, IT WAS NEVER WORTH IT. IM LETTING IT ALL GO, IF NOT NOW THEN WHEN? NO LONGER WANNA BLEED TO PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T CUT ME, LET ME PUT STITCHES AND BANDAGES TO THOSE WOUNDS”.
I OWED MYSELF AN APOLOGY FOR BEING ANGRY AND NOT FORGIVING. I OWED MYSELF AN APOLOGY FOR NOT FORGIVING THOSE WHO DESTROYED THAT LITTLE AND HAPPY SOUL IN ME. I WAS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN, I WAS MY UNCLE’S SEX OBJECT, I WAS MY AUNT’S KITCHEN GIRL. I FORGAVE MYSELF FOR THAT AND BUILD MYSELF.
KONKE EBENGIKWENZA KWANGIBUYELA, THE FATHER OF MY DAUGHTERS LEFT ME TO BE A SINGLE YOUNG PARENT, THAT’S WHEN I TOOK A DECISION UKUTHI I SHOULD GO BACK TO SCHOOL. BY GOD’S GRACE I WAS ADMITTED IN MTATA WHERE IM NOW DOING MY DIPLOMA IN PUBLIC MANAGEMENT AT WALTER SISULU UNIVERSITY. I FOUND FRIENDS, FOUND MYSELF DATING AGAIN. IT TOOK ME COURAGE TO LOVE AND TRUST PEOPLE AGAIN. IT TOOK ME COURAGE TO FORGIVE MYSELF.
I HOPE THIS BOOK GIVES YOU COURAGE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AND THOSE WHO HAVE HURT YOU.
MY NAME IS DLAMINI VATHISWA AND THIS WAS A PART OF MY STORY. DON’T LET PAIN DEFINE YOU, DON’T LET PAIN CHANGE YOU TO BE THE WORST VERSION OF YOURSELF, LET PAIN GIVE YOU STRENGTH TO BE STRONG. IN THIS WORLD WE NEED MORE WOMEN WILLING TO SAY “I’VE BEEN THERE AND IM HERE FOR YOU, YOU CAN ALWAYS TALK TO ME WITHOUT BEING JUDGED, I LOVE YOU AND I CARE”.
I QOUTE “AS ONE JOURNEY ENDS, ANOTHER ONE BIGINS…EMBRACE YOURSELF ALWAYS”
TO MY MOTHER:
ZAMASWAZI PRINCESS DLAMINI …THANK YOU FOR THE LIFE YOU GAVE ME, THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT YOU GAVE ME. THANK YOU FOR FORGIVING ME FOR ALL THE SHAME AND DISGRACE I’VE PUT YOU THROUGH. THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME TO BELIEVE IN PRAYER. NGIYABONGA NDLOVUKAZI.
TO MY DAUGHTERS:
ANGEL NOLVUYO DALMINI AND ATHANDIWE BENZELE DLAMINI ZITHANDWA ZAM MOMMY LOVES YOU AND WILL DO EVERYTHING IN HER POWER TO PROTECT YOU. NGIYANITHANDA AND KONKE NGIKWENZELA NINA, I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU THE LOVE I’VE YEARNED FOR. I PRAY GOD PROTECT YOU SO THAT I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THAT I’VE EVER WISHED FOR. NGIYANITHANDA ZI NGELOSI ZAMI.
TO MY BROTHER:
ATHENKOSI DLAMINI, WE FOUGHT BUT YOU’RE ALWAYS THE BEST BROTHER I’V EVER ASKED FOR.
TO MY AUNTY AND COUSIN SISTER:
NOLULAMILE DEBESE AND PHUMLA TSHABALALA, NGIYABONGA NGOTHANDO NENXASO ENINGIPHE YONA. I ALWAYS CRY TO YOU WHEN IM AT MY LOWEST, NGIYABONGA NGOTHANDO LWENU, UNKULUNKULU ANGINGCINELE NINA. NINGITHWALILE UMAH ENGEKHO. NGIYABONGA.
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NGIYABONGA FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND LOVE THAT YOU’VE SHOWN ME. THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME, THANK YOU FOR PUSHING ME TO FIGHT AND TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF. YOU GAVE ME LOVE AND GAVE ME HOPE TO LOVE AGAIN. I REMEMBER THERE WERE TIMES WHERE I FELT LIKE GIVING UP, THERE WERE TIMES WHERE I WOULD WANNA THROW IT ALL AWAY. BUT YOU NEVER FOR ONCE GAVE UP ON ME. IM GRATEFUL FOR MEETING YOU, IM GRATEFUL I HAD A CHANCE TO BE IN YOUR LIFE. EVEN IF WE DON’T MAKE IT TO THE FUTURE, I WON’T FORGET THE SUPPORT THAT YOU GAVE ME. I WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL THAT I WAS ONCE A PART OF YOUR LIFE. NGIYABONGA….
TO EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED ME INCLUDING SAKHIWO TSHAFELE NGIYABONGA, MAY THE LORD GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU ALL ABUNDANTLY.
MOTIVATION
SOMETIMES I USED TO ASK MYSELF HAVEN’T I SUFFERED ENOUGH? HAVEN’T I SUFFERED ENOUGH? ISN’T MY PAIN ENOUGH?
THEN I REMEMBERED HOW JACOB SUFFERED, HOW HE LOST EVERYTHING. HOW SARAH WAS HUMILIATED, HOW GOD OPEN DOORS WHEN THEY TAUGHT THEY ARE DONE WITH YOU. I REMEMBERED THAT BEFORE LIGHT COMES DARKNESS. BEFORE GOD HEARS YOUR CRIES, BEFORE HE WIPE YOUR TEARS, YOU WILL ENDURE PAIN, HUMILIATION AND SUFFERINGS.
GOD LOVES YOU.
HE MENDS THE BROKEN HEARTS
I USED TO CRY ABOUT EVERY BAD THING THAT WAS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE. BUT NOW I’VE LEARN THAT GOD DO THINGS IN HIS OWN TIME. GOD DOES THINGS AT THE RIGHT TIME. IN EVERY SITUATION THAT YOU ARE FACING RIGHT NOW, HE KNOWS, HE CAN SEE YOUR PAIN, HE CAN HEAR YOUR CRIES. HE WILL WIPE THOSE TEARS, HE WILL MEND THAT BROKEN HEART.
HE IS A LIVING GO, TO HIM EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. PRAY AND BELIEVE. PRAYER IS THE ONLY WEAPON YOU CAN USE IN EVERY SITUATION.
I QOUTE “BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. FORGIVE YOURSELF, DON’T LET PAIN CHANGE YOU TO BE THE WORST VESRION OF YOURSELF. LET PAIN BUILD YOU TO BE STRONG AND TO BE A FIGHTER”.
BIBLE VERSE: “ BE NOT QUICK IN YOUR SPIRIT TO BECOME ANGRY, FOR ANGER LODGES IN THE HEART OF FOOLS” ECCLESIASTES 7:9
THANK YOU……….
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