A Trip Down Memory Lane - Part Five - Perhaps You Ought To Know Me

May 4th 2008

Dear Diary, recently Emily urged me to visit my GP as my forgetfulness was deeply troubling her. After much deliberation, I yielded. Emily was right to be concerned. It turns out that I am experiencing the early stages of Alzheimer's! It certainly explains why I feel the way I do most of the time...

Diary, there are days where I feel as though I were a registration plate that has fallen off the back of a HGV. The lorry load of memories become ever distant! Then, occasions follow where it seems that the vehicle has return to collect and reattach me. For I am the means of its identification.

With this news in mind, I thought, perhaps you ought to know me...

I was born June 29th 1936 to Felicity and Keith Jones. My two older siblings were in their early teens. Martha mothered me and George often employed his woodworking skills to produce toys for me. I still have the rocking horse he made! It remains as glorious as it was when it made its grand entrance into my toddler life! Oh how I missed them when they flew the nest.

In 1950, Martha moved to Australia to take up nursing. In 1952, George opted to reside in Texas USA. He married and soon became responsible for a family of his own. Unfortunately, we could never afford to visit either of them. So we eagerly anticipated each letter. Happily, they often included photographs. I remember mum spending ages just staring at the pictures. I once asked her why she did this. Her reply? ' Because Natalie, looking long enough prints the image on your mind. This in turn, etches it on your heart. It then becomes like the person has never left. It's like they are always there because you can see them.'

Initially, I found this notion quite spooky. However, becoming both a mother and a widow has enhanced my understanding of what she meant by this...

I felt so different to my brother and sister. I could not imagine, let alone desire, moving to the other side of the world and settling there! I've always been more of a home bird. My reserve suited the needs of my parents as they were getting very tired and quite unwell by the time I was old enough to leave home.

My parents wanted me to explore my inner self, to flourish to my full potential, to spread my wings, embrace life and embark on big adventures. I never understood how Martha and George had the confidence to make such a move! They were free. I, on the other hand, felt imprisoned within. Trapped inside myself! That being said, somehow I believed that there was a version of me that was unafraid and could face any battle and triumph! But how could I set her free?

Mum and Dad often expressed the fear that they were holding me back. They worried that I might feel under obligation to remain and take care of them. Yes. I wanted to be there for them, but it was I who held me back, not them! To this day, I have been unable to discover the foundation of my anxieties. My heart's tears would not translate into words and I felt like an island that could not escape the sea! I was afraid that if I expressed my secret insecurities, mum and dad would imagine that they failed me somehow. They were wonderful parents and were there for me in every way humanly possible - superabundantly!

Little did I realise that man was waiting with the key to set me free. Family are supposed to love you. So when strangers have affection for you, a stronger battle can be fought against negative self opinion. Together, Chris and I conquered and my spirit was set free. He never knew it!

My parents were there to see me married. During our reception, they gave us a few surprises. First, they had Martha and George back over with their families. They all took a turn at sharing family anecdotes from our childhood. The second present was that between them all, they purchased a property for Chris and I as we began this new chapter together. And if all of that wasn't enough, they bought us a holiday package for our honeymoon! So all of the finances that Chris and I managed to scrimp and save during our courtship could be put to one side. Of course, when Emily came along, it was put to good use.

As to my hobby. I consider writing to be a pleasure both to do and to share. I could never have pursued a career in it for fear of losing my love for it. The amount of warmth generated in a "get well soon" or a "thank you" poem builds up a special feeling between the giver and recipient that words cannot possibly explain! It's personal. All it costs is a little thought and some time. The greatest honour is the difference your thoughts can make to another's day. I keep copies for my personal collection. Emily loved reading them when she was at home. She tells me that they stimulated her interest in writing. Chris and I both liked creative writing so when Emily chose a path involving this wonderful task, it came as no surprise. Writing is in her blood. What was fascinating was her choice of genre - Factual. But we are extremely proud of her. Perhaps I should say, "I am." But Chris was too!

July 20th 2008

Dear Diary, Frances and Elizabeth decided that they wanted their independence and now have a joint tenancy in a two bedroom bungalow. It's a beautiful place and not too far from the town. They seem to be enjoying it. They like their work and have arranged their finances brilliantly!

They invited us all to dinner last night and we had a lovely time. ' So, what's it like being waited on for a change? ' Elizabeth asked.

' Bet you could get used to it! ' Frances added.

' Oh indeed! ' I answered.

' Yep! ' Emily and James agreed.

Observing Emily and James together raises a sort of confused melancholic feeling in my heart. I'm happy for them, while yearning for Chris. Losing him was like losing a part of my identity. A part that will always be irretrievable.

After dinner, we sat in the comfort of the living room. ' Mum. We've had a family discussion. Before any steps are taken though, we'd like to know how you feel about the idea...'

' What steps Emily? What plans? ' My heart was pounding.

' James and I would love you to come and live with us. Frances and Elizabeth are adamant that they are not coming back home. We were keeping their room incase things didn't work out for them. But they have. And they are in a good place financially. So we'd like to offer the spare room to you mum. '

I was shocked and objected. ' But my home is fine! I couldn't leave! Your grandparents bought that house! You grew up there... All of our memories reside within the four walls of that place! ' I started to cry.

Emily knelt down on the floor in front of me. Her eyes welled up. She whispered softly, ' Mum. All of our memories reside in here. ( she held my hand and placed it on my chest ) We writers don't need a structure in which to place any of our thoughts. '

James and the girls left the room to give us more privacy.

' If I leave home, I leave a lot of what is left of me behind! Please... Don't think that I'm not grateful for your love and generosity... I just ... I don't think I can say goodbye to anything else! '

Emily held me in her arms and kept quiet while I let it all out. When my tears ran dry, Emily soothingly assured me, ' Mum. We don't want to make you do anything you don't want to. We were simply looking at how we could best assist you practically. Your illness is becoming a danger to you. Can you imagine how we would have felt if there had been a fire at your house the other day? It's a good thing we called when we did! ( A smile grew on her face as she attempted to lighten the gravity of the situation. ) I promise you, mum, and I will put it in writing if you want, that we will not take over your life if you decide to live with us. ( My smile joined hers. ) If you happen to leave the cooker on, the tap running or the door open... Well... We can always turn them off and shut the door behind you. You don't even have to know about it! '

' Do you know what? You are just like your father! You express yourself in such a way that I cannot help but smile. Thank you for caring this much about me. '

' So what do you say mum? If you don't like staying with us, you can always move back. The house will still be there. '

' It can't hurt to try. '

' Wonderful! '

' I shouldn't have got so upset. I'm sorry. '

' It's okay mum. I understand. It's not easy for you. It will be a huge change... We could turn our study room into a room of remembrance! '

' Yes! The family album can go in there... And some of your dad's belongings... Actually, there is a project that I would like to complete. It too can be added to the room of remembrance. Will you help me with it? '

' Of course mum! '

' Great! What I'd like to do is ...'

We were giggling when the girls came back into the room with James. ' All sorted then? '

' Yes James. We were talking about making the move a week tomorrow. We need all hands on deck. How does that suit everyone? '

' Fine with us. We can change our day off for one week ' Elizabeth answered.

' And that's my day off. ' James said.

July 28 2008

Diary, I can't believe it! A new room. New home. The people I love and who reciprocate that love are around me...

Emily and James have worked hard to make my bedroom look like the one in my house. This makes the transition so much easier! They have done an amazing job! I didn't know that this type of wall paper still existed! Best of all, everything about Chris is here too!

It helps that Emily is her father's daughter. I'm going to like it here, very much! I gave them both a big bear hug and could not thank them enough.

' Does this mean we are stuck with you now? ' James teased cheekily.

' I'm afraid so! ' I laughed.

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