A little capillary I called Jealousy (to long to submit as a poem)

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I cannot deny there seems to be this new uneasy emotion emerging. It's only little, well tiny really, like the size of a capillary but it keeps surfacing. It's a new emotion, that's very different from what I'm used to and it keeps coming over me. It's like looking through jaded glasses and what I see fills me with such jealousy! This emotion oozes out every available pore from depths of despair, that I didn't even know were there. Let alone that far back in my minds archives sort of hidden behind. I've no control over it I just know this isn't the "normal" me! It's a rotting peutride destructive emotion capable of tearing people apart, I've been doing my best to contain it. To stop it from eating away at the kindness of my heart. It has many names envy, jealousy even the names could cut your tongue as they exit. Like a toxin or a venom, these feelings are foul, deadly and destructive. Regardless of what label we give it this emotion can really take its towle. If this envious emotion is allowed to run freely through your veins, It will infest you like a virus, until low and behold a green eyed monster comes forthwith. I've never been consumed with its treacherous intemperance, I've always treated others generously and with decorous. Until recently when this vile emotion made itself very apparent to me. By unleashing a torrent of anger and bitterness that I did not foresee. Thankfully it did not present as an insatiable greed, but a jealousy of the people around me who've had the freedom to succeed. In things I just assumed would naturally occur in life for me, at some point in time. I feel cheated, I'm jealous of the time stolen from when I was in my prime, but I'm also torn I feel such a fraud because things could certainly be much worse, and I'm writing this nonsensical verse. When the world is in disarray, people are suffering, every day. This makes me feel, so horrendously vain, because my jealousy, I still can't contain, like a completely inconsiderate ungrateful brat without a care. Because in so many ways I was, and I am truly blessed! Granted I'll acknowledge Ive had maybe more trials than some, yes, But most definitely not the vast majority. Yet this one tiny capillary seems to now live within me, like a succubus. Full with enthralling envy, jaded jealousy, and a vicious craving of covetousness. Thankfully it's not becoming destructive, or filling me with hallowing hatred and pitiful spite. More so of sorrow, for what I feel I was robbed of, despite putting up a fight. I lost Precious time, opportunities, to maybe meet the right one fall in love, have children, to take time to travel, to see the wonders of this world and the gems that are hidden. I feel I've just been abandoned, left empty of anything good a shell a vessel. I'm so confused of who I've become. I no longer recognise this person that stares back at me. This internal struggle of knowing you're no longer the person you use to be, nor will she ever be coming back, because the scars have now been dug in too deeply. I grieve for that version of myself alot she was so full of life. She had self respect, self esteem and oozed with confidence she loved life, She was accomplished, vivacious adventurous, fearless and she was determined, motivated, but more than any of that! She was happy, she was healthy and she was content. Now my reflection is a complete stranger! My eyes cannot lie despite the fake smile, I constantly plaster. The pain of being so empty, so lonely and so misunderstood. It is obvious to anyone who would take the time, to just peel back a layer to look. Yes I'm jealous as I scroll through people's profiles portraying practically perfect lives! I feel a fraud to those who are truly suffering, and the shame sinks in deep beyond my skin! The thoughts begin to creep out from the shadows, of those dark corners of my mind. Berating who I've become, torturing myself degrading who this person is, this person who's apparently me, I don't know her. The saying goes sticks and stones may break my bones, but the words sting too, they carry so much tangible weight, they feel like thousands of tiny papercuts, with wounds that constantly weep. Like the tears that fill my dying eyes, there's no life behind them, as my soul has gone and gotten lost. When someone who declares they love you endlessly, then you believe everything, and anything they tell you, with conviction you trust their opinion, they wouldn't tell you lies. And before you know it you're singing these internally, words of litigious loathsome lyrical lies on a loop, telling yourself it relentlessly because it's of course the truth! It spilled from their lips directly to your ear for only you to hear, therefore it must be true. Soon you to believe these lies with pure perseverance, passion nothing nor no one can tell you otherwise. Even in hindsight when you see these words of manipulation for what they were lies. Doesn't matter now though the damage is done, and that litigious loathsome lyrical loop it plays on and on and on, like a broken record its easily recalled, constantly in the background replaying on. These inhibitions will never be silenced but maybe they will become a mere whisper, one day? But they always reappear when I question myself even just for a second, they lurk, hiding, waiting for that self doubt, to drag them back out. You can't help but want more from life, a want for things to have been different, from what came to pass, so yes I'm jealous, I'm incredibly envious probably even of you believe me it's true. However! I will still always be your biggest cheerleader for anything you accomplish and your success stories! Is this normal? frankly I've no bloody idea, and I'm wondering if I've finally lost the plot, because It sounds ridiculous to begin with but then you write it down and it actually seems rather comprehensible, even maybe a tad clearer. Recognition is half the battle so maybe I'm already halfway near. Half way near to what I've no bloody Idea, For all I know I've been, and I'm actually on my way back. But back to where, or am I coming from Where I'm heading back to, Good gosh I need a mind map to navigate this affair, or maybe the answer is to simply be a little rapacious. If I do find my sanity, or I suddenly get an eclipse of clarity, regarding the arrival of my wee little capillary of jealousy, Then well I guess you'll have to wait and read part 2 of Jealousy vs me. Maybe coming to a poetry page called #iwriteitall in the near future you should give it a follow. Because my journey has only just begun, who knows where it goes Jupiter, M ars or maybe Chicago.

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