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5/31/2010 1:59:39 PM Thomas Brown Posts: 1	Nothing matters when I see you From the moment I find you All the drama hides from you You are my guiding light my seeing sight You take away the pain that is black as night We make a plan and it goes to hell only to make a funny story to tell about how we wanted to have fun but loved how we fell Three meetings Three dates All the times in between where I stand to wait I enjoy what has started I think about it every time we've parted With nothing but memories and a kiss that leaves me wanting The seed is planted growing more and more each time we part I hope you feel the same art Because this is what is in my heart. edited by sol20051 on 5/31/2010 edited by sol20051 on 5/31/2010
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6/3/2010 7:22:30 AM Spade Sincuna Posts: 28	Nothing else matters when I see you ^ without inserting "else", you make it sound as if it also does not matter when you see "her" First stanza is corny. And very plain; like a preteen wrote it. Same with the second stanza. The first two lines were identical, "black as night" is a very rusty simile. 3rd stanza hurts to read. Honestly, it is lower than amateur. I wont criticize further... You have to take time when you write, and not just write what pops in your head. Almost every line here was done out of the purpose of rhyming without much content. The figures of speech you used (if any) were very bad. This is more like a corny lyric to a mediocre pop song. Sorry but you need to read more before you can improve your writing.
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