Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » My poor poem needs a bit of loving from the masses

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

4/30/2023 6:14:35 AM Benjamin McDream Posts: 1	(also available on my profile) Title: Refining Consciousness (humans are like needles, try catch) the brain is a quantum tunnel acting as a needle eye photons entering a shallow funnel allowing either side to spy how it does not explode i do not know… why? why wont it go down that road? why does it not just combust? 0…… ……1 the sun shines its rays and the brain sheds its rust the moon becomes a maze and the rest is turnt to dust a needle in a haystack is what our reality becomes like aliens on crack we all want to have fun a puzzle game ive been given unravel the truth within whether you be a man or woman or dog, cat, snake, or fish find your opposite only they will fit into the heart shaped hole that sits inside your chest take up your sole role put on your best vest its now time to roll in your soul you must invest the stars see you and you can see the stars each side can spy through the needle eye the fabric of space and time are woven through the needle eye along one single thread woven to make a great grand spread loop de loop and a loop and a loop loopy loop. loop. loop dupe we are the ones who weave this wove our weapon, the needle eye because reality we doth loath our goal, to reach the sky and fly high because the end is nigh constantly kept in a state of mass panic fed with propaganda and blatant lies edited by bonmcdream on 4/30/2023
	• permalink • reply with quote
4/30/2023 6:41:32 PM Bob Atkinson Posts: 294	Ben dude, go over the poem and erase THE,IS IT, IT'S, and 75 percent of the metaphors. Poetry is not 'what is" but our reaction to what we think "is" "THE EMOTIONAL CONTENT OF LITERATURE" What "IS" is the realm of prose "THE FACTUAL, OR PSEUDO-FACTUAL CONTENT OF LITERATURE" don't write prose and call it poetry, that's like trying to teach a pig to sing, irritates the pig, and is a waste of time. Regards,...Bob
	• permalink • reply with quote
6/23/2023 12:59:57 PM HJ Quinn Posts: 5	i like the mass of images and the ideas it makes me think of... if not a bit wierd!
	• permalink • reply with quote