Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
Should I share to my social media poem page?
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4/20/2023 11:01:24 PM
Jalen Johnson
Posts: 2
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Beauty buried beneath
There’s beauty buried beneath the place beyond the pines
Inhale the regrets
And breathe out the lies
Time after time
As time goes by
The silence it kills
But for me I’m just fine
There’s beauty in the silence
Long nights with a dream
But it seems, I’m defeated by the violence
“It’s not for me, it’s not for me”
To be what you want
As you watch me bleed
There’s beauty in the pain
I can hear what it says
The sounds of the world trapped inside my head
Let it be, let it be
For what grows from the beauty
Buried beneath
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4/26/2023 10:48:24 AM
The Ant
Posts: 9
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Beautiful Poem, definitely share it!
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5/2/2023 4:18:03 PM
Bob Atkinson
Posts: 294
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MISTEAKS NOTED Poetry is the "emotional content of literature" deals with our reaction to events or feelings, not what is or isn't, that's the territory of prose, which is the factual, or pseudo-factual content of literature. Show some emotional reaction if you really want to be a poet friend. "The" a forbidden word. The verb "to be" forbidden (is are was were) that's prose-ish.
Beauty buried beneath
THERE'S beauty buried beneath THE place beyond THE pines
Inhale THE regrets
And breathe out THE lies
Time after time
As time goes by
THE silence IT kills
But for me I'M just fine
THERE'S beauty in THE silence
Long nights with a dream
But IT seems, I’m defeated by THE violence
“IT'S not for me, IT'S not for me”
To BE what you want
As you watch me bleed
There’s beauty in the pain
I can hear what it says
THE sounds of THE world trapped inside my head
Let IT BE, let IT BE
For what grows from THE beauty
Buried beneath
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5/3/2023 8:57:20 AM
Jalen Johnson
Posts: 2
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Bob_Atkinson wrote:
MISTEAKS NOTED Poetry is the "emotional content of literature" deals with our reaction to events or feelings, not what is or isn't, that's the territory of prose, which is the factual, or pseudo-factual content of literature. Show some emotional reaction if you really want to be a poet friend. "The" a forbidden word. The verb "to be" forbidden (is are was were) that's prose-ish.
Beauty buried beneath
THERE'S beauty buried beneath THE place beyond THE pines
Inhale THE regrets
And breathe out THE lies
Time after time
As time goes by
THE silence IT kills
But for me I'M just fine
THERE'S beauty in THE silence
Long nights with a dream
But IT seems, I’m defeated by THE violence
“IT'S not for me, IT'S not for me”
To BE what you want
As you watch me bleed
There’s beauty in the pain
I can hear what it says
THE sounds of THE world trapped inside my head
Let IT BE, let IT BE
For what grows from THE beauty
Buried beneath
This isn’t helpful feedback. You’re frustrated with me using the word “the” but I am describing how I feel. I think it’s a clear imagery of the struggle of hurt and trying to work through the trap of trauma
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5/3/2023 11:01:37 AM
Charles Smith
Posts: 2
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Hi Jalen -
First off, I'm new here. Thanks for sharing this piece. I do find it interesting, and perhaps with some more clarity - word choice, images, figurative language perhaps - this can be even cleaner.
Thoughts below:
There’s beauty buried beneath the place beyond the pines
** Nice use of alliteration and sound here. I would suggest "There is" to help your meter / rhythm. Also, maybe consider breaking this line up into two lines of verse.
Inhale the regrets
And breathe out the lies
** Focusing more on sound, perhaps delete the article "the" in both lines?? This shortens the lines and in my humble opinion, mimics more of the breathing that is short, raspy, maybe agitated. If that's not what your going for, then leave the articles for a "longer" feel.
Time after time
As time goes by
** Are these two lines necessary? They are very abstract and cliche. I would suggest either a delete or some type of imagery here that shows the passage of time.
The silence it kills
** Admittedly, I struggled with the sentence structure here. The word "it" before "kills" threw me off. Might I suggest keeping things simple and just using "The silence kills it"? For some reason, it reads sharper and draws more attention to the line.
But for me I’m just fine
There’s beauty in the silence
**While true, this is too telly in my opinion. Again, I will challenge you to consider some type of imagery or figurative language that shows this truth versus just telling the reader.
Long nights with a dream
But it seems, I’m defeated by the violence
** The "violence" of what? The dream? If so, that might be a nightmare. Would that word be more efficient and straightforward in the previous line?
“It’s not for me, it’s not for me”
** Why the quotes unless this dialogue or citation from something else? Could you elaborate?
To be what you want
** I DO like the truth expressed here. It is not up to an individual to be something they are not for someone else. I would love to see some type of concrete imagery, a connection through the use of connotation or figurative language, that brings that out clearly for your reader without simply telling them.
As you watch me bleed
There’s beauty in the pain
** For me, this is like the previous line above - There’s beauty in the silence - it's too abstract and cliche. Think of how many times this truth has been phrased in this exact way. Show the beauty. Show the pain. Show the beauty in the pain.
I can hear what it says
**Is this line necessary? Is it more effective, more thought provoking, to start the next with the one below?
The sounds of the world trapped inside my head
**I might suggest a line break here: The sounds of the world / trapped inside my head. It brings focus to each and keeps the rhythm and meter that has been used in the rest of the piece.
Let it be, let it be
** Is this an allusion to the Beatles?? Whitman?
For what grows from the beauty
Buried beneath
** As I stated, I feel you have some bones here to work with. Maybe some fleshing out with imagery and your use of figurative language. I would also challenge you to think about tone / mood in each section, stanza and word. Are they doing what you want them to do to establish that?
Thanks for the read.
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5/3/2023 2:19:18 PM
keith osborne
Posts: 59
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I would take Mr Smith's advice over that of a pompous snob that can't even spell mistakes. Atkinson is a know it all that likes to think he is something special. Just read his work and you will see that he really is a blow hard that has no idea. Please do not let him define your work.
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5/27/2023 11:56:09 PM
Sally Harris
Posts: 6
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i have wrote all my life .. since i was a teenager and i am 48 now. i think this is a very beautiful piece. its deep and heartfelt with an imagination flow that allows the reader to apply the feelings to oneself. great job
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