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8/9/2022 12:25:49 PM Aishat Oki Posts: 2	There is a sailboat that is gliding out yonder. I noticed this glorious vessel was just sitting at the edge of Lake Michigan, and I know It’s a goner. As it prepares to set sail into the deep unknown,it's about to bid adieu I recognize the owner of the boat will narrate a story or two During the day he is rocked by the waves of the boat and the night he is nestled under the stars, he contemplates his blessings thus far.
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9/3/2022 7:45:40 PM Bob Atkinson Posts: 294	There IS a sailboat that IS gliding out yonder. I noticed this glorious vessel WAS just sitting at THE edge of Lake Michigan, and I know IT'S a goner. As IT prepares to set sail into THE deep unknown,IT'S about to bid adieu I recognize THE owner of THE boat will narrate a story or two During THE day he IS rocked by THE waves of THE boat and THE night he IS nestled under THE stars, he contemplates his blessings thus far.
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9/6/2022 9:08:29 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	The way you’ve written it, it’s more like flash fiction or a short short story, or the prologue to a story. There are poetic potentials in the areas you’ve chosen - There are a few contradictions in it. You say you know it is a goner, but later you say you know the captain will narrate a story or two - if the ship is a goner, the captain won’t be coming back. Also, you designate the body of water as Lake Michigan, but you refer to the boat as ready to sail into the deep. While Lake Michigan is very large, both the specificity and identity as a lake seem artistically incongruent with The Deep as a poetic entity. At first you say the boat ia gliding out yonder, and then right away you say it is just sitting at the edge of the lake. Most of the rhymes feel forced, and they don’t flow smoothly with the language, except “a story or two”. Adieu is just a little over the top, and yonder and goner are too colloquial for the thematic scale and high drama of mortal dramatic irony. Glorious is sort of painful editorialization. One rule that stays true in both prose and poetry is show, don’t tell (as much as possible). If you simply say it is glorious, the audience just has to take your word for it; all they can do is accept that you think itbis glorious; the audience doesn’t have their own reaction to the boat, or come to their own experience of the boat, because there is no description of it or how it moves, etc... it is simply “glorious” by definition, which requires no reaction in the audience. So, there is a lot of poetic potential in the poem; the lamp is switched on, but it’s not plugged into the wall socket yet. Your poem firts with the idea of mortality, death, not knowing when the end will come - momento mori; the idea that each of us will have one or two stories to tell before the end; the idea that we are something small in a big creation; the idea the Beauty is something larger than life and we sail through the midst of it until the end. What you’ve written flirts with these things, but doesn’t commit to them in a serious way. Your description is mostly matter of fact, stays on the surface of things like a winged water strider. There aren’t any clues that the author acknowledges the concrete elements of the poem as symbols for larger abstract elements. Is the boat just that boat, or is it a symbol for each of us and how we get through life? Is Lake Michigan just Lake Michigan, or is it the expanse of our lives? The stories the captain will tell - are they just his stories, or are they symbols for all of our stories? Is the fact you know the boat is a goner but it doesn’t just a particular dramatic irony for that boat, or is it a statement about the nature of life, the nature of the human experience? You are perfectly poised to dive into the depth of your almost-poem, and there is a lot that could be seen underneath the surface. Believe in yourself more. Follow through on your images - plug in. The lamp is just a lamp, concrete, cold, until it plugs into the power source. And it is the lamp that makes invisble, abstract electricity seen.
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10/22/2022 11:40:18 AM EOTrees Myles Posts: 14	There is absolutely, absolutely nothing wrong with this poem but maybe just a little editing. -- E.O.-Tree"s Myles
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