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10/19/2019 12:53:01 AM AS Para Posts: 3	People surround me but inside I stand in solitude. I have slowly become victim to the sickness parade giving it way to ravage my passion and spirit. Despair clutches my soul tightly in her hand creating a continuum of anguish and relentless torture. My vices allow her to slumber, but soon she wakes refreshed with the energy of a young fawn on an early spring morning. Once again, she assumes her post. The cycle never ceases. The pain once seized by her tight grip has, over time, grown numb being replaced by a disturbing sensation of awareness. A constant reminder that she is always there. She has become my companion and threatens the idea of giving my attention to another. Invitation and chance tap on the door and as they enter they are slowly devoured by the befouled blood that dwells here. Some make their way out with haste, dripping in crimson through the carnage that she will never let heal. The less fortunate find themselves on a longer journey, traversing a path abundant with fractures and fissures that inhabit what was once solid ground. Initially, excitement ensues as the path is an adventurous challenge, but in the end, they too will eventually find exodus as reality reveals the once fertile ground is now too hard to penetrate. They are spat out and taken away like flowing rivers emptying into the sea, never to return. -Amy S. Parady edited by beautifullybroken on 10/19/2019
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10/19/2019 1:54:54 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	You have some really interesting things here. I think your strongest use of figurative language is using the fawn as an image for despair. Really amazingly original image, definitely a compelling sense of authenticity. I think artistically it would be a stronger piece if you stayed exclusively with the image of the fawn for all your descriptions of despair - an inescapable nursing, almost vampiric, a mother deer trying ween off the fawn to escape somewhere for a moments peace but the fawn always finds her and continues the relentless suckling, no matter how old it grows, chasing off other deer, potential mates, just consuming and consuming the mother deer till almost nothing is left. The element of suckling has a really psychologically visceral aspect to it that could very accurately portray the invasiveness of despair to the reader in a way that is as disquieting to them as it is to the author. I think it could very effectively evoke a reaction in the reader that is authentic rather than merely sympathetic, if that makes sense. Your style has a nice sense of groundedness rather than sentimentality or maudlinness. Your style seems to focus a lot on telling/ recording. It gives information about the persona, but I found no place to really enter it or lose myself in it. It lacked author-reader intimacy (which is very common in a general way; not a criticism in a personal sense; simply something to be aware of and strive for if you wish) The prose style isn’t a favorite of mine, but it is increasingly popular these days. If line breaks, phrasing, breath, and alliteration aren’t objectives of your style, there is not much to say about them. Hope you’ll consider using the fawn as an extended metaphor and really explore the artistry of how it could used more fully. Good luck!
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10/19/2019 1:53:28 PM AS Para Posts: 3	Thanks so much for the feedback. You have given me much to consider!
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