Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » More Than This WIP

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

2/21/2019 9:25:09 AM Victoria Lucas Posts: 9	An ache deeper than pain Jealousy. Damn the one who tempted me You're irresistible Dissolve in the acid bath, and Appear to me as an apparition Panic as my flesh melts at the sight of you I've never seen your eyes quite wide As mine roll from their sockets, descending to the tiled floor, Joining the collection of my bones, bones and guts and eyes galore I knew you wanted more than this I knew you wanted more than this edited by junkycosmonaut on 2/21/2019
	• permalink • reply with quote
2/21/2019 11:38:12 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Wow. Well... The strongest part is the originality of the metaphor, and the originality of using these images to communicate lust, jealousy, desire. Another strength is your lack of hesitancy in exploring visceral images to communicate your theme. If you're not already familiar with her, you might enjoy Ai's poetry. Another strength is that you don't only rely on images, but the kinesthetic sense. in fact your images seem to be diving boards to jump into the pool of kinesthetic sensation, which is a great approach. The ambivalence of the temptation, and the jealousy adds some nice layers to it. Though, i think there needs to me more clarity between the jealousy and the lusting for something that cant be had. There is definitely a haunted quality about the poem, as if it were written by the ghost of one of Jeffrey Dahmer's victims. I think it could do with some editing or reorganizing lines maybe, something to tighten it up.
	• permalink • reply with quote
2/22/2019 1:09:15 PM Victoria Lucas Posts: 9	You're insight is much appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully respond to my work. I've seen your detailed comments on other posts, and I was secretly hoping you'd make your way to mine, haha. Thank you, again! superlativedeleted wrote: Wow. Well... The strongest part is the originality of the metaphor, and the originality of using these images to communicate lust, jealousy, desire. Another strength is your lack of hesitancy in exploring visceral images to communicate your theme. If you're not already familiar with her, you might enjoy Ai's poetry. Another strength is that you don't only rely on images, but the kinesthetic sense. in fact your images seem to be diving boards to jump into the pool of kinesthetic sensation, which is a great approach. The ambivalence of the temptation, and the jealousy adds some nice layers to it. Though, i think there needs to me more clarity between the jealousy and the lusting for something that cant be had. There is definitely a haunted quality about the poem, as if it were written by the ghost of one of Jeffrey Dahmer's victims. I think it could do with some editing or reorganizing lines maybe, something to tighten it up.
	• permalink • reply with quote
2/22/2019 1:53:21 PM Victoria Lucas Posts: 9	Also, I love Ai! Such high praise.
	• permalink • reply with quote