Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
For the last two lines,
| Change it to "a hundred miles in a thousand trips": | 0  |
| Don't change it: | 0 |
| Change it to something different completely: | 0 |
7/28/2018 6:45:09 AM
Noire Asphodel
Posts: 1
|
One step forward
Two steps back
Swipe his card
And push him back
Three moves left
Four moves right
I call this theft
But never at night
Five meters down
Six meters high
This pretty red gown
Sees through your lie
Seven dazzling smiles
Eight pouty lips
A hundred miles
For a thousand trips
edited by missfaraway on 7/28/2018
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
9/1/2018 2:37:00 PM
Jean Bush
Posts: 11
|
I have to say I just don't understand what you're trying to convey. No picture forms for me when I read it. Spacing seems weird. "Never at night" should be "not at night" so the rhythm remains the same.
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
Powered by AspNetForum
6.6.0.0
© 2006-2010 Jitbit Software