Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » What could've been

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

5/20/2018 12:17:44 PM Lucia Siwela Posts: 3	You took away the only memories I had of what it felt like to be in love You stole the only proof I had of knowing how it felt like to have love taken away from me so violently You ripped my heart out and robbed me of the chance to share how it was like to be happy. I'm left with an empty dream of how it would have been like. How can you make me fall in love with you then tell me you cant stay. edited by siwelaluu on 5/28/2018 -- Luu
	• permalink • reply with quote
5/24/2018 2:43:44 PM levi johnson Posts: 10	Your simplicity and theme are evident and clear. You are writing prose here which lends itself to more detail than you have allowed. A common suggestion I hear is to "show' the reader how you felt and not to "tell" them. "You took away the memories" tells the reader how you felt, but I want to feel it; HOW were the memories taken away, or stolen or ripped--HOW. You could use at least one metaphor or simile for the reader to relate to. We all edit, so you get to enjoy it now.
	• permalink • reply with quote
5/28/2018 1:32:18 AM Lucia Siwela Posts: 3	thought i'd add a line and make it that personal -- Luu
	• permalink • reply with quote