Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » When it comes around

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

5/7/2018 1:25:55 PM Khofi Mink Posts: 4	My thought reek of bloopers All I see is blue birds Ever since you left me Maybe I deserve it A southpaw has to be used to this Sleeping in the mud Reminiscing the dirty games I played Staring at the dice you flipped on me I hate how the tables turned Used to mishandle the lighter look at how I got burned Flames of anger puff out of the words I breathe I was stupid for thinking winners never lose I've learnt the best lesson in the worst way I know my stars were cursed for how I kept many in the dark Cloud of lies Crazy how I rained promises on them Only to let ignorant fairies drown in disappointment Spare me the regrets I deserve this stunt The wrongs I did hid in my shadow The future looks uncertain Still feeling reluctant to change from those ways Honestly Breezes from my past don't feel good The maybes will probably fade If I start being true to myself and the few in my world I pray the earth helps me now Or it will be forced to hold me down in the end
	• permalink • reply with quote
5/9/2018 1:08:49 PM Jenny Dillon Posts: 9	I really like the rhyming in the piece and there's an interesting theme running through it. Maybe consider using some punctuation to highlight pauses within the text. There are also a few lines which have slightly too many syllables or are too long to fit into the specific rhythm of the verse. Try seeing if you can take away unnecessary adjectives in these sentences or leave them at the end of a verse so the layout makes more sense and the poem is easier to read. -- I don't have a signature.
	• permalink • reply with quote