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4/14/2018 9:57:23 AM Alethea Coulston Posts: 1	SHIPWRECKED Right then it shattered. Like splintered glass Veins cracked open. Heartache leaked out. Nothing is right, In those moments of sadness. Earthquakes are startling All stability is questioned. Running seemed like an option. Pain stealing Time from Distress. Seeing no way out, Drowning entirely on air. Gasping did not help Tears would not stop the ache. Torture became me, Like a blushing bride, I wept. For the sorrows, Years of rips between us. Piles of blanketed fears Always sweeping under rugs. Time is all you have, they say. Always underestimating quicksand. Treasure chest locked up tight. Rapids of distress wrecking havoc. A ship wrecked, plundered, Splayed upon a casket shore. It's guts laid out for all to see, Longing to be buried. 4/14/18 edited by JulesB on 4/14/2018
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5/4/2018 7:43:16 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I think the topic is good. I find the stanzas disorienting. I like the title; I looked forward to reading about a shipwreck. However the stanzas remain extremely abstract. I think the first line is excellent. Splintered glass in the second line was the beginning of the poem moving in a different direction from the expectations set up by the title. I was expecting wood instead of glass because I went into the poem anticipating a shipwreck. Later on in the poem you mention a treasure chest, but generally you don't stay very close to the image of a shipwreck at all, and a shipwreck doesn't necessarily have to have a treasure chest. I think the choice of shipwreck as your metaphor is excellent, but I'm confused about the execution of the imagery in the poem and why your main metaphor is not relied on as the vehicle of expression. I think the poem would be more powerful if the emotional content was focused entirely through the lens of the shipwreck imagery. Perhaps the speaker is walking along a beach and comes across the remains of a wrecked vessel, its wooden ribs torn open and jutting up through the sand like giant splinters reaching for air as the sand swallows them whole. Perhaps the wreck is young enough that the tatters of the sail are still there, evicerated by a storm it couldn't weather, unable to beat the storm but refusing to abandon the hull, hanging on by threads. Or it could be the scene of the crash itself, which is what i thought the first line was setting the poem up to be. There are lots of ways to work with shipwreck imagery. I think it would be exciting for you to explore that imagery more. Your poem is clearly speaking about something very personal, which is perhaps why its vague on specifics. That's why metaphors are so great, is you can be perfectly clear and speak about one thing specifically that has nothing to do with the details of what actually happened, but the emotional truth can still be told. There is no need to be abstract for the sake of privacy; the metaphor is your masque.
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