Book: Shattered Sighs

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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/22/2018 10:39:34 AM

Jay Vee
Posts: 8
Open mind and open heart,I knew i loved you from the start.
Forgot the poison you became, you carved my heart and etched my brain.

My aim was true, my arrow missed,I close my eyes and bite my fist.

You drag your feet across my floor,please don't forget to close the door.




A breech of trust with ill intent,i'll never know just what you meant.

Insisting," I cant do this now"

Your angry shot across my bow.

The circle, the triangle, then a square,it's more frustration than I can bare.

No shame, no sorrow and no regard,you drag your feet across my yard.

You're walking out again, "it's too hard"Don't forget to close the door.




Time heals wounds and this will scar.Just another shattered heart in your repertoire.

I walk, i talk, i live my life, surviving my own personal strife.

I think about you now and then,my thoughts control my weary pen.

My water is calm, give or take.

Again I've weathered your might wake.

My yard is patched, I've cleaned my floor.

It's finally me who closed the door.
edited by joejamvig on 2/22/2018
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2/24/2018 1:50:12 PM

Stephen Wilson-Floyd
Posts: 49
I like the "close the door" repeat and the stinger at the end. That said, I want to know what really happened. There is an adage "show don't tell". True, you have many images here. But I feel many are close to cliche or are images that don't surprise or enlighten. Some seem to obfuscate rather than explain. Best wishes!
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