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2/20/2018 3:54:40 PM Adeyemi Joshua Posts: 1	I sat at the shore at the Break of the day. When the, Sun steals from the vast curtain of nature, Peeping through human infrastructures. When I saw,a lamb beyond the transculent sea, Measuring the path of the pompous forest, Chewing cud in it mouth,It's mother did flee, Or perhaps left it to self-will. In Earnest, It leaps as It's joy bears it,carressing, The root of the hung trees,seducing The attention of the indifferent wind. It paced indifferently dogging the wind. It rises and lays as his eyes ordered him, Made fun of the bugs,a-feared the lices, Trampled on It's meal; filled to stupour is it. Then in a glance, Like the switch of bewitched time. Destruction tottered toward it's axis; A large Lion emerged from the deepest forest, (Twas noon, closest to the lamb's rest) Conspicous and bogus, Lifted beyond the earth,fiercer than the octopus. Without ears,undaunted like the rock. The forest echoed the rhythm of his noise. The lamb could perceive an ill omen; For all nature refused to say to it's prayer "Amen". Closer,closer,it edged toward it, Desirous tongue and famished teeths, Eyes sculped in anger,Jaws sketched for blood, Stomach widened at pace,intestine be the gourd. The lamb realised sooner but late, Overtaken by fear,the lion would have his take. "When he comes,Give to whom honour is due" It's mother had said. Heart willing,limbs refused. It's shadow made it fall thrice, Teeth greeting it before it rise. Thus,the Lion swathed in fury, Bated by ill-will,made an ill-story. 'What would it do with it's corpse,' I'd thought. Before I remembered,It's already dusk. Another howl shriek from beneath afar, An howl swallowing it's noise,breaking the bar! 18:02:20:11:56
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2/24/2018 2:12:08 PM Stephen Wilson-Floyd Posts: 49	There are some good parts to this. For example, I liked "human infrastructures", "mother left it to self-will", "indifferent wind", "filled to stupor (sp)", "switch of bewitched time", "undaunted like a rock", "stomach widened at (a) pace", and "intestine to be a gourd". I would omit the archaic language like "mother did flee", "a-feared", "t'was", and "thrice". There are some spelling errors: "transculent" should be "translucent"; "lices" should be "lice" in singular or plural; and "teeths" should be "teeth" in singular or plural. I like the fact that it ended without sentiment. This might have been better placed in co-writing help or editing rather than critique. Best wishes.
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