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1/15/2018 1:21:36 AM Quiet Speaker Posts: 3	. Love You. My dear forewoman, laughed about us today yet? It's a new day here -- our nights awake, our stories made -- sky is now waiting to grasp the sun back of the another pace of Earth; The sea insisted to talk to me the other day but I couldn't hear him at the non-expected embrace of my sister arms, I told her that and she laughed -- When I was a prayer I would stand so much bravery onto people grounding on me, but my dearly, stations passes through us for so long. Do you pray for us? cause you don't have to, I know you don't. You were right all along, I'm a fool. Is it to selfish to pray for you to come back our home?-- individualism "has me talkin'" -- my mouth can not attend my sorrows not anymore... at this point, nearby on envy, I wonder if are still spaces on you to learn, how can you do that?! -- We, the ones that love and dies for our loves have this manner to think our hearts know it all -- The forewoman grasps the hole world from the concept till the my world's end -- When I die please, let me go knowing that you loved me, that you touched me, that you held me, philosophy me on you, woman! because of you I'd never be still. Held by held you let you go off me. edited by quiet speaker on 1/15/2018 edited by quiet speaker on 1/15/2018 edited by quiet speaker on 1/15/2018 edited by quiet speaker on 1/15/2018
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1/15/2018 2:30:36 PM Stephen Wilson-Floyd Posts: 49	There is a lot of sincerity here. I believe you feel this very deeply so first, let me assure you comments I make are about the poem's effectiveness not its honesty. I would call this a self-revelation poem, to enlighten oneself. For a wider audience, I would "show" more and "tell" less. For example "my mouth can not attend my sorrows not anymore", what does that mean? It sounds poetic, but what does it mean. In my opinion, this cries out for specifics, "show" don't "tell". For example, what's the story about addressing her as "forewoman". This might be a confessional poem in which case, excuse me, the speaker dishes the dirt. As unflattering as it sounds, we readers have a voyeuristic need to imagine ourselves there. Let the reader take that the journey with you. edited by Stephen Wilson-Flo on 1/15/2018
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1/15/2018 9:29:39 PM Quiet Speaker Posts: 3	Stephen Wilson-Flo wrote: There is a lot of sincerity here. I believe you feel this very deeply so first, let me assure you comments I make are about the poem's effectiveness not its honesty. I would call this a self-revelation poem, to enlighten oneself. For a wider audience, I would "show" more and "tell" less. For example "my mouth can not attend my sorrows not anymore", what does that mean? It sounds poetic, but what does it mean. In my opinion, this cries out for specifics, "show" don't "tell". For example, what's the story about addressing her as "forewoman". This might be a confessional poem in which case, excuse me, the speaker dishes the dirt. As unflattering as it sounds, we readers have a voyeuristic need to imagine ourselves there. Let the reader take that the journey with you. edited by Stephen Wilson-Flo on 1/15/2018 I appreciate the critique, very helpful. I was influence by Emily Dickinson letters to Susan when writing this poem, their love is very strong and deep, I just wanted to write something they would have. edited by quiet speaker on 1/15/2018
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