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1/7/2018 12:35:48 PM Carissa Marie Posts: 24	I want to paint you The way I want to paint the sunset. Splash the universe across a canvas, Capture infinities with a brush. My brush. Coated bristles Dripping truth, Trailing dreams. Your body is my muse: Lips of satin Eyes like storms, Or seas, Skin the petals of a flower I always long to taste. I want to paint you And every bite mark On your shoulders, Your neck, Every fingerprint I leave- Seen Or unseen. Clothed or unclothed. You’re a sirem And I’m a drowning ship rat. You tether me. You are my sun And my moon And an eternity of stars. I want to paint you, Spray your smile In the alleys Of every city I cross. Replace your blood with ink And etch you into my pores. Pull you into my soul, Fill my emptiness With your heartbeat. I'd love some feedback! Thanks
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1/7/2018 3:57:15 PM levi johnson Posts: 15	I like your imagery descriptions and I can see your canvas being painted--this is the strength of the verse. Your love theme is well done, but be careful of being a bit trite: "You are my sun and moon," sounds a little common for a creative person. In terms of your form and structure, I know one word lines and stanzas without breaks are trendy, but its not easy on the reader. It comes across as being choppy vis-a-vis flowing. I see a number of natural breaks you could make without altering meaning or effectiveness. I'm not sure that one or two word lines is achieving the emphasis that you seek. It reminds me of those who make bold or capitalize certain words for emphasis. Your writing skill is good enough to do that in your verse. Have a great day
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