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6/4/2011 2:19:11 PM Bryan Seyffert Posts: 3	My reflection has many sides. Though I have taken strides To fight the forces deep inside There are only some things I’m able to hide Some traits I choose to show with pride Others I’ve hidden or at least I’ve tried My darkest thoughts come sneaking back In my mind and soul attack Like a bomber from Iraq Slowly my image starts to crack Looking around I know they see All of my detainee Rushing out like an angry sea Can this really be the true me
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6/4/2011 7:13:03 PM daniel galvin Posts: 3	DC, i really like the honesty of your introspection. these days, it is far more common for people to proclaim their own greatness, necessity and beauty (and one wonders what barometer they've used in the assessment, or if they've come to the conclusion without any examination of the details whatsoever). anyway, i love the metaphor of your flaws/hidden aspects as 'detainees,' fleeing the prison camp of your will to supress them. it's excellent, and i wouldn't mind it if you extended that metaphor a bit. it's just a matter of personal preference, but i'm not entirely sold on the rhyme scheme. you have some interesting rhymes, but i think your adherence to the scheme cheapens the thrust of the subject matter. i'd love to see your poem re-written without it. based on the aspects i've already mentioned, it seems like you can make art, not just poetry. and, i think turning the sentiments in this work into a poem has robbed them of the artistic weight i totally think you're capable of. this is just my opinion. i look forward to your future posts.
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6/5/2011 12:30:06 PM Bryan Seyffert Posts: 3	danzelindistress wrote: DC, i really like the honesty of your introspection. these days, it is far more common for people to proclaim their own greatness, necessity and beauty (and one wonders what barometer they've used in the assessment, or if they've come to the conclusion without any examination of the details whatsoever). anyway, i love the metaphor of your flaws/hidden aspects as 'detainees,' fleeing the prison camp of your will to supress them. it's excellent, and i wouldn't mind it if you extended that metaphor a bit. it's just a matter of personal preference, but i'm not entirely sold on the rhyme scheme. you have some interesting rhymes, but i think your adherence to the scheme cheapens the thrust of the subject matter. i'd love to see your poem re-written without it. based on the aspects i've already mentioned, it seems like you can make art, not just poetry. and, i think turning the sentiments in this work into a poem has robbed them of the artistic weight i totally think you're capable of. this is just my opinion. i look forward to your future posts. I would love to do more and to really express what i am trying to say. However, I am not sure how. I have this need for the words to flow off the page and to really suck the reader in and I never feel like they are if there isnt a rhyme. I would love to learn how to write better. I cant stand english classes that suppress the writer's creativity and tell us what we can and cant write about.. Any advice on how to break free of the restriction I have placed on myself and write some sort of free form that I can be happy with would be much appreciated.
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6/6/2011 1:15:31 PM daniel galvin Posts: 3	i'm constantly trying to get to that point as well, and i think i've achieved it a few times. but even when i don't rhyme, i can still see redundant thought patterns or meters within my own work. as far as breaking away from rhyme, it started for me with limiting any occurrence of it to within sentences and phrases, rather than always at the end. i'd also recommend collaborative writing, stream of consiousness, and any of the surrealist methods as studies on how to say things differently. feel free to soupmail me if you're interested in trying some collaborative stuff; i've never done any over the internet before, but it could be interesting.
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6/10/2011 8:05:08 PM Paula Swanson Posts: 22	Hi , You state here in a comment, that you want your words to flow off the page and suck the readers in. Well, the best way to do that is without boundaries. Don't let rhyme fence you in. There is more to poetry than simple rhyme. Sometimes, a great poem can be less, when the rhymes are forced. You have a great start to an amazing poem. Try "Free Verse" it is a poetic form that does not restrain you. In Free Verse, you do not have to stick to strict rhyme and meter and all that stuff. you simply write. Free Verse will have the sound and feel of poetry to it. You can have subtle rhymes within. The best thing for you to do is explore the poetic forms here. On the left side of this page, you will see links (written in blue). scroll down to the "Resources Area" Then click on Forms Of Poetry and start exploring. They are listed alphabetically, so you can click on the letter (in blue) at the top to go there first. So take a look at Free Verse. Above each form, you will see a link to Examples of that form. Click on that. It will bring up poems written by other members, in that particular form. Somewhere in there, you will find a form that jumps out and grabs you. Then go ahead and check out all the other links on that side of the page. The Rhyming dictionary (in blue) is a great help. edited by PaulaSwanson on 6/10/2011
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6/11/2011 2:23:02 PM AnnaMaria Noble Posts: 1	Well Poet, I think you did a fine job penning this awesome poem! Good Job by me. AnnaMaria
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