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5/16/2010 1:46:45 PM Michael Benkhen Posts: 40	Pay to breathe Pay to breathe wrapped in greed you cannot see the meaning of life before your eyes stillness captured in your lies worth a dime pockets dry you do a crime you do the time then you pay to breathe? Or you die? - Not sure about this one... Anything I can improve on? -- The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 11:12:04 AM Michael Benkhen Posts: 40	Ummm yeah but it kills the symbolism and I had it set to a specific flow. And when you change the words, it changes what the poem means...this poem had a message. Maybe if you understood the message...you wouldn't have chosen those words. -- The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 11:22:48 AM Michael Benkhen Posts: 40	Pay to breathe Pay to breathe Your wrapped in greed you cannot see the meaning of life before your eyes The stillness captured in your lies Is worth a dime With pockets dry You do a crime You do the time but still the rest of us pay to breathe Or die - How's that? Better? -- The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 1:42:38 PM Michael Benkhen Posts: 40	Still not perfect though? -- The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 5:00:23 PM Margaret Foster Posts: 6	HI. I liked the racy flow of your first post with only one small change. here's my take. cheers Margaret Pay to breathe Pay to breathe wrapped in greed you cannot see the meaning of life before your eyes stillness captured in your lies Is worth a dime With pockets dry You do a crime You do the time you pay to breathe... or you die
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5/17/2010 5:34:26 PM Michael Benkhen Posts: 40	Yeah I like those changes...I might use them. Thanks!! -- The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 10:01:42 PM Margaret Foster Posts: 6	Hi again Micheal. glad you thought the small change helped. your original line you do a crime you do the time then you pay to breathe?--Possoble' then pay to breathe' or 'you pay to breath' Or you die? cheers Margaret
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5/18/2010 8:39:16 AM Michael Benkhen Posts: 40	Yeah but I originally meant it as a question...I was expressing rage... -- The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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