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Forum Home » High Critique » Wavedance..Id love your feedback

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8/27/2017 3:25:44 PM Lorna Caizley Posts: 6	Lace waves lap tender shore Brush away layered sand Erode this sodden land Revealing something raw A hypnotic deep trance Horizon shrouded day Clouds tumbling away As the salty waves dance As the salty waves dance
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9/9/2017 3:35:18 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Is this an attempt at trance poetry? if it is, you should put a notice at the beginning of the poem so the reader is informed, just as a curtesy. as far as the work goes, i was too busy stumbling over the words, description, meter to be lulled or disarmed by it. also, you should be careful when you use a refrain twice in a row like that. the mind usually reads it literally the first time, then assumes there's a different meaning the second time and goes looking for more figurative interpretations. not sure what "salty waves" was intended to mean, but the second utterance was undesirable to me.
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9/13/2017 10:42:36 AM Lorna Caizley Posts: 6	Hi this is not in anyway and attempt at trance poetry...Just freestyle, but thank you for the suggestion. The refrain is about the salty waves and the salty tears that fall when emotions hit their peak. I appreciate your feedback...Thanks
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9/13/2017 4:03:52 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	ooooh, okay. hmmm it might be more effective if you put in articles, a conjunctuon here and there and take out some lines that slow down the pace: Lace waves lap the tender shore, brushing away layers of sand, revealing something raw in the salty waves that dance. If you'd like me to explain my suggested edits, I'm happy to. I think this is closer to what you're going for, but not sure.
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9/14/2017 6:20:59 PM jack belck Posts: 12	Before writing a poem you should ask yourself,"what am I trying to say or convey? What reaction do I want from the reader?" Simply entering words--"the purple wave asunder on the green hills" needs to be apart of something going somewhere. This poem is no more than a beginning description with too many loose ends.
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9/22/2017 4:43:22 AM Lorna Caizley Posts: 6	Thanks for your feedback, The poem is about emotion, how it comes in waves, it erodes us down, the numbness as we watch the dark horizon, to finally let the tears fall and find release. This is what I was hoping to construe.
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