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5/9/2017 10:14:29 AM Carissa Marie Posts: 24	Silence slams again and again Into already bleeding eardrums, Reminding me Just how much can change When a single light Is snuffed out And shadows creep into the spaces Where a softly flickering star Used to glow. Even the white noise Hovering at the edges of my vision Has disappeared, Replaced by something so deeply wrong, The entire floor feels As though it’s tilting; Falling ever slowly to the side And depositing its salacious statues Into a widening void. Let the dripping sun Fall into your open mouth, Depositing the last vestiges of life Over a plain of darkening bruises Blossoming over reality And distorting fantasy. ((I wrote this a while ago and despite all of my edits, I'm still not satisfied with how it's turned out. Any suggestions?))
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5/10/2017 12:20:34 AM Elle Meadow Posts: 15	it's certainly on the edge of something amazing. The imagery is strong and graphic, although some doesn't make sense. Why are the statues 'salacious'? and the image of the dripping sun falling into your open mouth? Also you have suddenly changed from first person to second person. Silence slams again and again Into already bleeding eardrums, Reminding me Just how much can change When a single light Is snuffed out And shadows creep into the spaces Where a softly flickering star Used to glow. Even the white noise Hovering at the edges of my vision Has disappeared, Replaced by something so deeply wrong, The entire floor feels As though it’s tilting; Falling e̶v̶e̶r̶ slowly to t̶h̶e̶ one side a̶n̶d̶ depositing its salacious (?) statues Into a widening void. Let the dripping sun (?) Fall into your my open mouth, Depositing the last vestiges of life Over a plain of darkening bruises Blossoming o̶v̶e̶r̶ in reality a̶n̶d̶ distorting fantasy. At very least that should give you some ideas of where this still needs work.
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5/10/2017 9:21:02 AM Carissa Marie Posts: 24	For clarification: This poem was written almost as a "letter," addressed to a specific person after a specific incident. The apparently random "you" is supposed to imply that the "softly flickering star" from the first stanza is being bled into this person's mouth, sustenance for a poisonous individual. The statues are also representative of people, though less specifically. I chose salacious for its synonym, lecherous, and chose it for the "s." Salacious statues sounds a bit better than lecherous, I think. Does this flow more easily? Silence slams again and again Into already bleeding eardrums, Reminding me Just how much can change When a single light Is snuffed out And shadows creep into the spaces Where a softly flickering star Used to glow. Even the white noise Hovering at the edges of my vision Has disappeared, Replaced by something so deeply wrong, The entire floor feels As though it’s tilting; Tilting slowly to one side, Depositing its salacious statues Into a widening void. Let the dripping sun Fall into your open mouth, Scattering the last vestiges of life Over a plain of darkening bruises Blossoming into reality, Distorting fantasy. edited by (d/fl)yingsquirrel on 5/10/2017
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5/10/2017 9:40:56 AM Elle Meadow Posts: 15	however "synonymous" salacious and lecherous are, they do not mean the same at all. Salacious: arousing or appealing to sexual desire or imagination Lecherous: given to or characterized by lechery; lustful. "Salacious" refers to attracting sexual attention. She licked her lips salaciously and crooked her finger at her mark. While "lecherous" refers to the act of giving sexual attention. He leered at the young woman lecherously. And as for the rest of your response - if you don't want help, don't invite critique. Every point you felt you needed to explain, is a point that needs work. If those are not evident in your poem. If I 'missed' them, it's not because I'm a "stupid" reader, it's because you didn't write them. edited by L. Meadow on 5/10/2017
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5/11/2017 1:21:42 PM Carissa Marie Posts: 24	Oh, I apologize. I didn't mean to make you feel as though I was disregarding your comment; I've actually been working on the poem based on what you've said. I fixed the minor details that I could right off the bat, but I didn't completely disregard the rest of your critique. I'm sorry I mad you feel like I was ignoring your opinions.
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