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3/28/2017 4:13:24 PM
Karen Darsey-Harwood
Posts: 2
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Immortal Love
Perchance I spied across the stars,
the lonely heart of distant mars.
I heard the song so sweet and true,
and know alas it came from you.
Mine heart it cried from deep within,
the beat, the thump, the mighty din.
Your name forever stamped on my heart,
My immortal love we shalln't part.
I tried to sing to call your name ,
no ears can hear I'll go insane.
My roars, my fears, my heart, my soul,
Shall die before my body's toll.
But here now my heart with in,
Shall listen to the distant din.
And want like all true lovers do,
My immortal love so sweet and true.
You may not hear me call your name,
Your eyes may never see me again.
but the stars in the night brightly shine,
I know once again thy shall be mine.
I hear Mars song,singing her way,
and hope you hear what I have to say.
This is a love so rare and true,
My immortal love i give to you.
edited by daffydreamer on 3/28/2017
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3/28/2017 4:15:03 PM
Karen Darsey-Harwood
Posts: 2
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sorry have no idea how to set the poem as just copied and pasted and this is how it came out sorry
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4/4/2017 5:10:01 AM
Tony Devers
Posts: 7
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I like it. Has a nice rhythm, it's accessible, touching and there is a hint of humour in the line 'alas it came from you'. Could probably do with a bit more work just to scan one or two of the lines better. And if the ambiguity the narrator appears feels about the matter is intentional, I think this could maybe do with being emphasised a bit more. But to answer the question "Is this ok?", yeah, it is. I enjoyed reading it.
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4/4/2017 11:02:00 AM
Robert McVay
Posts: 4
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I really liked it. I can almost relate to it. The rhythm has a steady beat and the rhyme scheme is great but at the last stanza the first two lines did not rhyme like all the other stanzas. The question is this ok uh yeah this is.
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4/10/2017 5:44:15 PM
Doug Vinson
Posts: 102
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Definitely more than okay, Karen.  A couple suggestions - as you read the poem to yourself, there are a few places where the rhythm and "feel" of the poem changes. One is the 7th line - it has more syllables than the first six and the eighth do. For example, you could do something like, "Your name stamped ever on my heart," to make it more uniform.
Line 13 - "with in" should be all one word; no space.
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4/24/2017 10:44:12 PM
Joseph Soper
Posts: 4
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A very good effort but just a couple of suggestions for you... in the 4th line you might change from "know" to "knew" as everything else s in the past tense until you reach the latter stages of the poem. Personally I would stay away from urban slang like "shall'nt" and the old school words like thou and thy; it makes it feel you are trying too hard. IN the last stanza "Thy will be mine" does not make sense. Thy is a possessive word "thy mother and thy father" kind of like saying your or mine. I think simply replacing with "you" would sort it out.
Overall the poem is an enjoyable read.
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