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8/28/2016 4:06:05 PM Gail Lewis Posts: 5	Eternal As the tick tock of time starts catching up with me Soon these bones will be older as the cracks appear to see Like a wine maturing so does my mind knowing full well ill have to leave it behind Ironic really striving to be the best Ill end up on a pile with all the bones at best! Will I return ? That is unclear! Yet worrying over that wont help me here! Will i meet my dear departed that left the earth before I? Which journey should I take on this path where i die.. Ive watched the world change along with surprise Seen the rain forests dissapear watched the sun start to rise Watched the waves engulf the shore and dissapear into the still calm waters once more... Ive sat with the rich and dined without a dime Sinned with the sinners and drank their fine wine Yet the beauty I have is fragile I know As ill never see any of this again once I go... Fill my eyes with more than the seven wonders Ill take all you can show me and more! I want more! All the riches you can keep! I want more, So much more for me to be! I want more, All the memories I can hold! Is this life eternal? Or will I just get old?
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8/28/2016 9:40:20 PM paul martin Posts: 12	First line cliche" tick tock" not a great opening line 2nd line simile "as" used again in 3rd line "like" Two similes following each other drawing attention from what you are trying to get across Try to get your point across without overuse of words Make poem feel clunky 4th line avoid familiar phrases " full well" , I'll instead of ill 5th line ok 6th line I'll instrad of ill,too many words(maybe "all i will be is a heap of bones") 2nd verse 1st line you ask a question of the reader and you answered it the same sentence,better to just leave it hanging, 2nd line what is "that" is it resurrection the reader is guessing 3rd line to many words 4th line you ask the reader a question knowing only you know the answer ----it works well 3rd verse Absolutely no complaints about this verse you say what you mean,and it flows really wel, 4th verse Good strong writing with traditional rhyming scheme works really well,fav verse of poem 5th verse End in pleading,you want more memories not wealth maybe that should be the theme of the verse not sticking on two questions that the reader can't answer,not the best way to finish a poem, Overall this poem as potential to be a very good poem really like the two middle verses last verse good with little tidying up,i would scrap the first two verses and try to have the third verse as starting point of the poem All the best Paul edited by The bad seed on 8/28/2016
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