For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/5/2016 5:05:57 AM
Karam Misra
Posts: 8
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Nearly to Hell
Through eldritch streets i walked alone
With shadows on my track,
Full jellied was my every bone,
I thought my mind would crack.
Through mist and morbid mire I went
To revel where gargoyles dwell,
A guest whose soul was spent,
To meet the host - the King of Hell!
Through caverns dark I made my way,
The squelch of shoe, the crack of bone,
Chittering squeaks from shadowy grays,
Would never leave me alone.
At last I reached the caverned maw,
Ceiling glint with stalactites,
And of course its bretheren I saw,
The saber-toothed stalagmites.
And on the high-domed hellish lair
Hung a grinning crystal skull,
It threw a ghoulish, greening glare
Which made my senses dull.
All around there was a damp,
A noxious putrid smell,
And slightly a-centre on a ramp,
Stood grinning the Lord of Hell.
His feet were hooved, his head was horned,
He flashed his fang-like teeth.
His eyes were huge and darkly burned;
Heart stopped, I could hardly breathe!
"Welcome", boomed my infernal host,
And flashed a rotting smile,
"A welcome drink, a one-time toast,
Before you join my rank and file!"
Something clammy seized my mind,
My clothes turned very wet,
I screamed and woke myself to find
I wasn't dead as yet.
But close to it I surely was,
My narco-ed mind amid I had lain,
At hell's door without a fuss,
When with maddened mind I'd cut my vein!
Copyright © Karam Misra | Year Posted 2016
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5/5/2016 5:07:36 AM
Karam Misra
Posts: 8
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Would appreciate criticism to improve the poem. Please be honest - I can be masochistic.
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5/6/2016 1:30:49 PM
Glory Winzer
Posts: 14
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This is a good poem. It needs a bit of 'trim', might consider adjusting the rhythm of a few stanzas, especially the last one, but other then that, it is very good work.
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5/7/2016 5:11:44 AM
Karam Misra
Posts: 8
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Thank you, Glory. I appreciate your suggestion and am definitely going to change/tweak the last stanza, it indeed is about jarring.
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5/15/2016 9:05:28 AM
jon best
Posts: 4
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Very cool, I liked this a lot. I suppose this is similar to the previous suggestion, but there were a few lines that felt that they could be shortened by a syllable or two, just so that it flowed a little smoother.
I don't think it needs much at all though, here is my quick rewrite of stanza two:
Through mist and morbid mire I went
To where the gargoyles dwell-
A guest whose soul was spent to meet
The host - The king of hell!
Best of luck 
--
More poetry of mine at http://poems.jbestbooks.com
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5/21/2016 1:16:12 AM
Bob Atkinson
Posts: 294
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An amazing poem Karam. Leave it as is. Write another, believe you're a very good poet.
Great skill.
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5/31/2016 12:34:18 AM
Karam Misra
Posts: 8
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Thank you for the appreciation, Bob. Glad you liked it. ~karam~
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6/2/2016 1:07:50 PM
Bob Atkinson
Posts: 294
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Don't change a word Karam. Have you seen Don's poems? yuck.
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6/7/2016 1:45:58 PM
Graphite Drug
Posts: 81
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A fantasy poem that is fun to read. The meter and rhyme are not bad, but are less than an experienced or professional poet would write. More time with wording and sentence structure will correct that. I have to agree with the criticism of the last stanza. I think if it can be made clearer and fall in line with the rhyme and meter of the rest of the poem, the work will be ok.
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6/20/2016 7:57:24 AM
Mike Jones
Posts: 8
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I really enjoyed it.
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7/21/2016 10:51:46 PM
Tom Arnone
Posts: 14
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Not bad at all. A little editing here and there -- but, lots of possibilities. For instance: Last stanza, second line: remove I; and, last stanza, fourth line: remove When. Like this:
But close to it I surely was,
My narco-ed mind amid had lain,
At hell's door without a fuss,
With maddened mind I'd cut my vein!
Improved word flow.... :-)
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9/23/2016 1:21:10 PM
Keith Logan
Posts: 27
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This is very good but as others have said, could do with some fine tweaking. The first verse sets both the rhyme scheme and rhythm to use throughout. Here is my take on the second verse replacing gargoyle because of sense stress.
Through mist and morbid mire I went
To revel where foul demons dwell,
A guest whose very soul was spent,
To meet the host - the King of Hell!
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9/25/2016 5:14:52 PM
Jerome Malenfant
Posts: 26
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It's not clear to me why the narrator of the poem is going to revel with the gargoyles and to meet the king of hell if he's so afraid. The souls of the damned are usually dragged to hell by demons; they don't go there willingly as this narrator seems to be doing.
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