Book: Shattered Sighs

Get Your Premium Membership

Poetry Forum

home recent topics recent posts search faq

Forum Home » High Critique » An Inn and a Tavern - by -Bob Atkinson

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
4/15/2016 6:03:25 PM

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 294
****got to thinking about the price we pay for political correctness, and why Sturgis and Woodstock are necessary***



An Inn and a Tavern


- by -Bob Atkinson


a tavern hosts us openly

with wine to fill our gut

food, drink and plesantries

and all those goodies bunched




a wench to flirt with sincerely

as we spend our meagar coin

many games, songs to sing

stories here get told




an inn, on one's other hand

serves us beer or ale

gives us a bed to sleep in

and for our needs a pail




we call them "public houses"

"pubs" for short if you've not time

before tipping glass to lips

to cross eyes forgetting why




why we need companionship

when at home our kegs stay full

wonders of humanity's mood

and our need to grab a girl




oh yes, we've come a long way

social customs have advanced

to where we do what we like

and others never ask




may cross your eyes at this

revision of our norms

but normalcy detracts from nature

makes us emotional pawns




we see not animal instincts

refuse to accept good fact

we're not machines with values fixed

had enough of that




we need to decide in unison

here on this judgment day

do we want to stay animals

or to machinery pray




those who find correctness

a better way to go

need think this through completely

before our sky brings snow




for snow's what we've been fed

to keep us all in line

shouldn't we have fun with this

our shortened mortal lives
permalink • reply with quote
4/16/2016 4:29:05 PM

Anthony Guccia
Posts: 5
Totally like the theme.... I have a poem called "Cuervo's Conquest" .... it has a similar, yet slightly more vulgar theme... I have a few suggestions on some wording... you can take them or leave it... But, here it is....
First line... The tavern openly our host, with win (we) fill our gut?
food, drinks, and pleasantries
those goodies all in a bunch... (only because the gut and bunch are a stronger soft rhyme than gut and bunched, don't even know if you were going for that soft rhyme, but it seemed like it.)
A suggestion... next stanza....
with wench I flirt sincerely
and we spend our meager pay (used pay, because you can rhyme it with the next line if you change that just a slight bit.) Many games, songs to sing, new stories told all day.... or just stories told all day....


next stanza.... an inn, on one hand, serves us beer or ale. A bed for us to sleep in, the bathroom is a pale.
(just rewording.... if you like it, keep it) Next, We call them public houses, pubs, if I haven't got the time. before tipping glass to lips, my cross eyes start to cry, or lie... my cross eyes always lie......
next line... kegs are full, instead of stay...
stanza or two down... Cross your eyes at this revision, of our social norms, normalcy detracts our self nature, breeding emotional pawns
Ignore our animal instincts, refusing even fact, not machines of fixed value, seen enough of that.
we need to decide in unison, here on judgment day. Continue on as Animals, or become machine's prey
those who find correctness, the better way to go, Please think it through completely, before our sky begins to snow.
Truly it is snow, we are being fed, to keep us each in line. Shouldn't we have some fun with this, our short and mortal lives.....


I don't know... I hope your not mad I tried to change some stuff around... I just love word play and non sense... I am also a never ending tweaker, I can never leave my work alone. I will change everything five hundred times..... Drives me nuts, and I am probably now driving you nuts as well. Anyways, I hope you don't take offense. Besides the word play, I enjoy the theme... an Avid party/bar goer myself....
permalink • reply with quote

Forum Home » High Critique » An Inn and a Tavern - by -Bob Atkinson




Powered by AspNetForum 6.6.0.0 © 2006-2010 Jitbit Software