Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Novice writer - struggling to improve....

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

10/6/2015 4:21:22 PM Hayley Garland Posts: 4	These two poems are ones I'm really struggling with. I want to improve so here goes... One More Hour If you could give me an hour I'd try to remember your smile So that when it was dark and I was alone My heart would be whole for a while If you could give me an hour I'd hold you, remember your touch So when it was dark and I was alone My soul wouldn't hurt quite as much If you could give me an hour I'd listen and hear your sweet voice So that when it was dark and I was alone My ears would hear and rejoice If you could give me an hour I would study your beautiful eyes So that when it was dark and I was alone Your smile would light up the skies If you could give me an hour I'd soak up each second together So that when it was dark and I was alone I'd pretend you were here forever Worlds End The muted smiles, the solemn eyes Shifting in their chairs No one quite knows what to say Death caught us unawares. A cruel miscalculation Death came for you too soon We thought we were invincible But no one is immune The cars outside keep driving The birds are full of song Why does the world seem to imply Its trivial you are gone No mention on the evening news No notice on the wall Does the world not recognise You were ever here at all You were not incidental This was a tragedy To the world you were just a person But you were the world to me edited by Hayley07 on 10/6/2015
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/6/2015 9:39:08 PM Bob Atkinson Posts: 294	Hayley07, capped words i'd get rid of. Cheers, Bob Hayley07 wrote: These two poems are ones I'm really struggling with. I want to improve so here goes... One More Hour If you could give me an hour I'd try to remember your smile So THAT when IT WAS dark and I WAS alone My heart would BE whole for a while If you could give me an hour I'd hold you, remember your touch So when IT was dark and I WAS alone My soul wouldn't hurt quite as much If you could give me an hour I'd listen and hear your sweet voice So THAT when IT WAS dark and I WAS alone My ears would hear and rejoice If you could give me an hour I would study your beautiful eyes So THAT when IT WAS dark and I WAS alone Your smile would light up THE skies If you could give me an hour I'd soak up each second together So that when IT WAS dark and I WAS alone I'd pretend you WERE here forever Worlds End THE muted smiles, THE solemn eyes Shifting in their chairs No one quite knows what to say Death caught us unawares. A cruel miscalculation Death came for you too soon We thought we WERE invincible But no one IS immune THE cars outside keep driving THE birds ARE full of song Why does THE world seem to imply ITS (sic it's) trivial you ARE gone No mention on THE evening news No notice on THE wall Does THE world not recognise You WERE ever here AT all You WERE not incidental This WAS a tragedy To THE world you WERE just a person But you WERE THE world to me edited by Hayley07 on 10/6/2015
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/7/2015 1:59:59 AM Hayley Garland Posts: 4	Thanks for your thoughts
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/7/2015 2:00:15 AM Hayley Garland Posts: 4	Thanks for your thoughts
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/7/2015 8:49:35 AM K.M North Posts: 97	Dear Hayley, please for the love of all that's important in your world don't listen to Bob. My god, listen to the wall before him. The first one is pretty good, straight forward enough. The second paragraph, line 3, you left out a "that" toward the beginning that I would add. As for that I think it's pretty straight forward and self explanatory. As for the last poem, I like it better than the first, I'll say that. The only part I have any problem with is the "it's trivial you are gone". Just seems to me that maybe adding something else to the sentence would give it a bit more weight. It's almost too short and blunt for it's own good. On a whole though, really good job. I look forward to hearing more
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/7/2015 2:43:55 PM Hayley Garland Posts: 4	Sorry I did not mean to dislike your comment I pressed the wrong button. I agree the last verse doesn't feel right so I'll have a play around. Thank you for taking be time to give some advice. edited by Hayley07 on 10/7/2015
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/13/2015 8:15:03 AM K.M North Posts: 97	Lol wrong button hits happen. And you're very welcome. I'd love to read it again when you've had time to tinker with it
	• permalink • reply with quote