Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » I'm new and need feedback on my poem.

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

8/27/2015 2:41:03 PM Shaan Babu Posts: 6	Hello, I'm new to this forum. I'm posting one of my poem for your feedback and comments. I would welcome all the feedback I can get to improve my writing skills. Be as brutal as you can be. I would not mind. In this poem, each couplet is an individual couplet and they are not connected to each other. I would really appreciate any and all the comments I can get. thanks ...................... I endured burning all life but did not give light: If this is life then I didn’t live. What a cruelty, they talk against me; Those whom I have never spoken a word. Whatever I felt like,I had written with sincerity; These are my prayers not Poetry. It is just that I’ve had bad luck and then; Even my candle/lamp refused to lit. The world seems to tremble with fear from my army; But I have never competed with you. The reason I’ve become so lonely; I have became friends with everyone, no enmity with anyone Thanks much!
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/28/2015 5:46:23 AM SUNIL MATHUR Posts: 8	"I endured burning all life but did not give light; If this is life then I didn't live". But you have already said that this is what life is about. So how can you say that you didn't live? What you perhaps actually mean to say is this: "If this is life, then I don't want to live". Or maybe: "If this is life, it is not for me". "What a cruelty, they talk against me; Those whom I have never spoken a word". This is not properly worded. You could say: "What a pity, even they talk ill of me; Against whom I never said a word". "It is just that I've had bad luck and then; Even my candle/lamp refused to lit". What is this candle/lamp that refused to lit, and why? Moreover, in a poem there is no scope for using two alternative words with a back-slash. Expressions such as "candle/lamp" are totally out of place in a poem. "The world seems to tremble with fear from my army: But I have never competed with you". What is this army that you are talking about? How can a private person have an army? Who are these "you" with whom you have never competed? Grammatically, it should be "fear of my army" and not "fear from my army". "The reason I've become so lonely; I have become friends with everyone, no enmity with anyone". If you have become friends with everyone, how can you be lonely? edited by sunilmathur on 8/28/2015
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/29/2015 8:12:28 PM Shaan Babu Posts: 6	Thanks Sunil, Your comments are very helpful and constructive. I will make changes accordingly. I'm new to writing and poetry. So learning. thanks for your time and hopefully I'm looking forward to having more feedback from you. S
	• permalink • reply with quote