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Forum Home » High Critique » My poem Leviathan

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/22/2015 5:30:57 AM

Shane Cooper
Posts: 3
LEVIATHAN


Arrogant autocratic Ahab
Sails set seaward
Heartless harpoon high

Wind wracked Waves
Revenge rage regret
Wretched white whale

Opaque Ocean oblivious
Deep dark dangerous
Titanic terrors traversing

Captain callous cold
Blood bought bonds
Obsidian oaths ordured

Foreboding fears fester
Sacrosanct silent seas
Motionless midst moonset

Dim daylight dawned
Spray shot skyward
Lithe Longboats launched

Barnacled Behemoth Breaching
Heartless harpoons hefted
Destruction death defeat

Ahab alone as Achilles did battle
Poised proud purposeful in battle
Long lance light in hand for battle

White whale welcomes the battle
Dives deep deep to rise to the battle
Man monster meet to do battle


The sea is still, it has no tale to tell
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5/22/2015 9:26:10 AM

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 294
Shane, what a wonderful exercise. At first I didn't get it, but then the style got out of the way and
imagery tumbled like a waterfall onto my (pea) brain. Nice to see someone attempting to expand the genre'. Was like you distilled the emotion from the novel, which is after all, what poetry's all about.
-- regards ---bob
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5/22/2015 3:00:44 PM

jill spagnola
Posts: 12
Unbelievable alliteration! I learned sooo many new words. The last word says it all...Art!!!!
jill

--
jill
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5/22/2015 3:02:32 PM

jill spagnola
Posts: 12
Hip hip hoorah! Three Cheers! Kudos! Props! Hats off!

--
jill
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6/22/2015 4:12:03 PM

K.M North
Posts: 97
A fun read for sure. The only thing I had any issue was the "man monster meet to do battle" cause it just read funny to me. Seems like you're missing something between the man and the monster part, but it could just be me. Thanks for sharing though. Probably the most fun I've had reading something in a while. Thanks-K.M
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7/1/2015 5:43:26 PM

Kari Mitchell
Posts: 3
Was like you distilled the emotion from the novel, which is after all, what poetry's all about.
-- regards ---bob

What novel??
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7/6/2015 10:31:09 AM

K.M North
Posts: 97
-Moby Dick
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7/6/2015 4:16:18 PM

Graphite Drug
Posts: 81
This captured my interest. It seems an advanced exercise. How did you come up with the idea/ideas?
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7/21/2015 2:01:03 PM

Robert Stoner Jr
Posts: 4
I enjoyed the write, the form economical of word and consistent works. I found the message clear and understandable. I did find the capitalization of Waves, Ocean, Behemoth Breaching, Longboats a bit distracting as I read trying to guess the significance of these words. I also would like to have seen the use of commas to break lines and add emphasis in areas. Revenge, rage, regret- three similar but different concepts. Destruction, death, defeat same situation. Since you did use a comma in the last line you established a precedent for their use making their omission distracting.
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11/22/2015 10:22:28 PM

red barchettadrive
Posts: 1
You must hunt the video PIRATES by ELP. This seemed semi inspired by it or just Moby Dick. Youtube is the best place to find it, and if possible listen to the studio version. A lot of inspiration may come to you wave by wave with that song. I love it! p.s. This poem is quite awesome as well!
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