Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/16/2015 3:16:06 AM
Justin Worthy Posts: 2
|
Born in a radioactive life with few friends Rejected from a place he never felt was home
He finds himself stranded and alone
His eyes blinded by the sun
Armed with only a baseball bat and a empty gun
The world tears at him with hungry jaws
A scorched world with cold hearts and no law
Attacked by raider, robots, and death claws
The dusty capital wasteland he roams
Scavenging the ruins of a desolate world
Super mutants appear around every turn
The lone wanderer finds a flamethrower and makes them burn
Their collection of mutilated organs make him want to hurl
Searching for his father and food for the day
The lone wanderer hopes and prays
Revelation 21:6 I am alpha and omega the beginning and the end
Bloody footprints mark where the lone wanders has been
Scars mark his wounded heart and are etched in his skin
Favoring a shock sword and a 44 magnum
Custom armor most wastelanders couldn't fathom
The lone wanderer carries the maximum
Sailed to point lookout and thrown in the pit
The cruel wasteland tests his grit
Abducted by creatures from outer space
A life of haste, rugged is the beard on his face
GNR radio keeps him company
The lone wanderer runs about while feeling funky
Finally he found his father
Together, Persuing a righteous goal ever further
Only to die a martyr, his death hits the lone wanderer ever harder
The lone wanderer's wrath! Awakening rage
A vengeful path, darkening days
Kicked out of Jefferson's memorial
The enclave takes over, creating total turmoil in the purifier
With no time to prepare a funeral for his father
The lone wanderer grabs 'Vengeance' the ultimate vaporizer
On his way to vault 86 to find the legendary kit of Eden
The lone wanderer lays waste to many a demons
Troubled by the loss of his best friend,
His rampage across the wasteland begins edited by Nitsuj on 5/16/2015 edited by Nitsuj on 5/16/2015
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
6/22/2015 4:17:02 PM
K.M North Posts: 97
|
Reminded me of "the road" and "mad max" all in one. Really interesting and nice to read. The only issue I had was in one paragraph you said that he was armed with a baseball bat and an empty gun and then in another paragraph you said he had a shock sword and a .44. I'd just go through this an tighten things up from that perspective. I'd definitely read more. Is there more to this one? I feel like there'd be a few good sequels to it. Great job though-K.M
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
6/25/2015 7:01:27 PM
Graphite Drug Posts: 81
|
This reads more like a video game narrative than a poem. There needs to be more work on organization. For instance who is the hero? What is he doing? What weapons is he using? Who is he after? Punctuation would help. You should think about writing a short story.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
Powered by AspNetForum
6.6.0.0
© 2006-2010 Jitbit Software