Poetry Forum

Forum Home » »

1/22/2015 12:57:34 PM

Jaycee Cervenka
Posts: 5

First I'd tell you to take your couplets and joint them into stanzas. All of the breaks contribute to the choppiness you mentioned. Also are you really set on "fixing" this poem, or are you willing to let this rest and thoughts from a day and use it elements to create something stronger yet different? You have a couple of problems here. The first is that you do no have a structured meter to the lines. The syllable count is all over the place and it feels like the breaks are there just to satisfy the rhyme scheme. You have forced the words for the sake of rhyme. Also look at your punctuation. There are places that are the end of a sentence and you used it and others where you have not. To punctuate or not? That is up to you but I go for punctuate faithfully in this piece. Also look and if you had to restructure a line in an archaic language form to get it to fit, it is adding to the choppiness. I would probably do a complete rewrite of this and decide if I wanted to keep this structure of use something totally different. Sometimes writes are just my daily diary. If you want examples of lines rewritten or specific changes, message me.

• permalink • reply with quote