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9/18/2013 10:24:06 AM Jeremy Aguire Posts: 1	I've been on PoetrySoup for a couple of years and I have been adding poems off and on. I would like a fresh perspective on my poetry, since I have really nice friends. Here is one that I have written recently... Time Machine All this advancing time is the enemy. Can I flip the switch on my atrocities? Why can I not stop this when I feel that I can't breathe? Is it forbidden to fold a space and go between? Actions are wrecking balls, chained to memories. When I snap a link, then I will break the screen, so I won't watch the horror, of things not happening. I can end this sadness, but I don't have the machine. I want to bend light around this gravity. Holes in space and time need so much energy. If I could make a tangent right before I can speak, I would tell myself all these inherent prophecies. But will it change the course of my identity, or have I been there and died before I'm seen? Would I end existence as I selfishly succeed? Maybe my future self is deciding not to leave.
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9/19/2013 9:07:45 AM Just That Archaic Poet Posts: 89	You have some superb imagery in this piece and all your words are cleverly crafted. The only problems I have with this piece per se is the rhyming. You're a little choppy in some places, and I think it's because your average line syllable count is about 11-12. I would advise shortening the rhyme scheme to maybe 8 or 9 and reworking some of the lines for the sake of flow. Some people don't count syllables and are indifferent to different pentameters. I think iambic might work better for this piece, but you or others may disagree. I think you have some fabulous verses in this piece and with some ironing out of the wrinkles, I think you'll have a strong, compelling poem, indeed. I would just play around with the rhyme scheme a bit to tighten it up, but overall, very good work that I enjoyed edited by JustLivingLies on 9/19/2013
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