Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
8/1/2013 6:33:46 AM
Ibrahim Ansari
Posts: 6
|
“What He Got, For Loyal He Remained”
A man dead here,
A man dead there,
A sword fallen here,
A sword fallen there.
Bewildered,
The general looked around,
His heart,
Beginning to thump and pound.
His army was torn,
His fighters were dead,
And everyone would question,
By whom were they lead.
His heart told him to stay,
His mind told him to go,
The face of the king,
The face of the foe.
The battle would be lost,
Not necessarily the war,
The confusion of illusion,
The wrath of thor.
As he stood there thinking,
His heart divided in to,
His army was fleeing,
What should he do.
No, he decided,
What a coward he would be,
If a losing battle,
Even he would flee
So he picked up his sword,
And struck upon the enemy,
Turning a losing battle,
Into a great, big victory.
He didn’t live to see the celebrations,
For he was killed by astray arrow,
But his achievement was great,
For the chances were narrow.
His name went in history,
His bravery others did crave,
And what he did get,
Was a decorated grave!
Thanks 
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/1/2013 7:49:16 PM
Mel Doherty
Posts: 2
|
nicely done - the line his heart divided in to needs to read "his heart divided in two" i fin fact that's what you meant to convey.
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/4/2013 4:59:16 PM
Ibrahim Ansari
Posts: 6
|
Ibrahim here,
didnt quite get your point. please elaborate.
Thanks a lot
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/8/2013 2:53:55 AM
Ibrahim Ansari
Posts: 6
|
Sorry Mel. I looked at the wrong line, but i got your point, and I'll rectify it.
Thanks a lot
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
1/6/2014 8:26:55 AM
Karen Ruff
Posts: 5
|
I like the poem and the rapid movement that reflects the need to make a quick decision. To me, the next to last stanza sort of takes one out of the movement, but maybe you intended that. If it were me, I would keep the same relative pattern with something like:
He didn't live to celebrate--
He was killed by an arrow
But his victory was great
As the chances were narrow.
Just me, of course. Many folks probably like it just as it is.
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
2/22/2014 11:14:55 PM
Gary Watkins
Posts: 7
|
I think you have a good first effort here, but it could use some polish. I would eliminate the first stanza altogether. It doesn't add anything to the poem and has a nursery rhyme quality with the "here" and "there" references. A few changes are simply mechanical. I think you want "led" instead of "lead," for example, and "a stray" instead of "astray." Others may involve word choice. I think "The edict of the king, The fury of the foe" would sound more dramatic than "The face of . . ." I would also change the last stanza to read:
His name went down in history,
His bravery others craved,
But in the end all he got,
Was a decorated grave!
The syllable pattern is a little more consistent in the above example. The good news is that the poem tells a great story and flows reasonably well. It just needs a few little tweaks to shine. Good work. Of course, this is all just my opinion and you should take it or leave it as you wish. Feel free to read some of my poems and give me any constructive criticism you'd like to offer.
edited by pseudodragon on 2/22/2014
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
2/23/2014 6:42:45 PM
Verlena S. Walker
Posts: 3
|
This is free verse...Here is my collaboration Ibrahim...Verlena - Oblivion Dark Sunshine 
SALUTE
Men were dead here and there, which swords had fallen everywhere.
Looking around, bewildered was the General frowns as his heart thumped and pound.
Torn was his army, fighters killed with everyone inquiring on who was in leadership.
This was a lost battle.
His mind told him to go.
His heart was involved saying stay until the war is over.
The face of the King he saw.
A face of a foe, if he leaves now, the necessity of the war was the wrath of Thor.
Confusion thus far
Illusive to a battle lost.
The General stood thinking with his heart split.
His army was fleeing.
What should he do about this?
He decided not to be defeated by joining in.
If he flees, he would be a coward and this was not happening.
Therefore, he picked up his sword and struck the enemy turning a losing battle into his biggest victory.
The General did not live to see the celebration for he was killed in fight.
A stray arrow struck him in the back.
Great was his achievement but narrow was his faith.
The General name went in history.
His bravery others did crave.
The General was buried in a decorated grave!
edited by Verlena on 2/23/2014
edited by Verlena on 2/23/2014
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|